Where's the Good in Goodbye?
by KLCM1
Summary: They keep coming together, try as they might to stop it. And every time, they fall apart. Will they finally be able to make it work? New chapters on Wed & Sat.
1. Are We Ok? (post Tribute)

**AN1:** **New story! This will be told from alternating of view with everything but the first and last chapter being in the past. Think "Gone Girl" or "The Last Five Years" where one tells it front to back and the other person tells it in reverse.  
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 **AN2:** **There are some "deleted scenes" I reference here and in my other pieces; those will be posted soon as well.**

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Hotch stretched his arms lazily over head, enjoying the pleasure that is waking up on your own without an alarm or worse, a phone call. The movement started a dull thumping in his head. He released a low groan, noticing a scratch in his throat. Rolling over to cover his head with the pillow, his hand brushed against warm, soft skin. He was startled by the presence of another in his bed.

He squeezed his eyes shut trying to clear the fog in his head. His night started coming back in flashes: "family" dinner at El Fuego, being coerced into doing shots by Garcia, and laughter; lots of it. The kind that makes his cheeks hurt the way they only do after a night off with his team or a weekend alone with Jack. He hadn't woken up with this kind of lightness in his heart in a long time. Blinking the sleep from his eyes he caught a glimpse raven hair. _Ah Emily_. She had been the cause of last night's celebration. Smiling he wrapped his arm around her waist, nuzzling Emily's neck.

A soft moan escaped her throat. "I've missed this," She said as she wiggled her back in closer to his chest. She was enjoying the warmth of his arms around her, the scent of cologne bringing back memories.

"And I miss not getting hung over after a night out," he dead panned. Emily laughed, throaty & quick.

"I've missed that laugh," he said as he planted a kiss on her shoulder, "and your skin," as he moved to suck on her neck. He nipped her ear continuing, "Having my hands on you. It's been too long," He gave her a little squeeze.

"It has been. " She rolled over, hitching her leg around his hip and found his mouth with hers. Pulling back she sighed, "I almost forgot what this was like." It had been four years since he held her like this, since there had been level of intimacy between the two of them.

He gave, what for Hotch, can only be described as a smirk, "What? Sneaking around? Sleeping with an old man?" He knew he was still in really great shape, probably better than when they met, but it was getting harder to keep up. Plus calling himself old would drive Emily crazy.

She quietly reached a hand for one of his muscular buttocks "With an ass like this I'll make an exception." She watched the look of shock his face then let out a loud laugh, almost a snort. "You aren't that much older than I am." She loved that he was still a little bit clueless about the effect he had on women.

Hotch grabbed his head from the pain, moaning. "I'm too old for this."

"You weren't too old for this last night." She strengthened the grip on his ass and threaded the other had through his hair at the back of his neck. She pulled him towards her, locking her lips on his once again. Their hands explored each other has the kiss deepened. She placed both hands on his face, breaking the kiss. She stared into his brown eyes for a minute searching them with her own chocolate ones.

"Feeling safe, loved, adored. That's what I missed" He stared back, mouth slightly ajar for a moment before placing a gentle peck on her nose. "What I really missed was you," she leaned in to kiss him again.

He chuckled into her mouth, "You really do have bad taste in men then."

She gave him a devilish grin as she leaned in and breathed into his ear, "I guess I like guys who break the rules, Agent," putting emphasis on the last word.

A growl escaped him as he rolled on top on her, pining one of her hands over her head.

There was something about her and their time together that made him feel like a much younger man.

* * *

"Where's Jack at today?" Emily asked as she slipped on his one of his t-shirts and made her way to the bathroom.

"He was already at Jessica's when we got back last night. Between Garcia's excitement and that bottle of tequila I asked her to keep him for the day as well."

Emily turned to lean against the doorway. "Agent Hotchner were you planning to seduce me?"

"From the moment you said you were coming to New York," he grinned at her. He went to the dresser and dug out a pair of lounge pants.

Emily quirked an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"Of course not, we both know I am not that smooth. I figured I'd end up with a hangover. Hangovers and ten year olds do not mix. You were a pleasant bonus." He wrapped an arm around her waist and placed a kiss on her head. "Showering?"

"Mmhhmmm," Emily nodded and linked her arms around his neck. She leaned up for a kiss which she quickly deepened. When they needed air they finally broke apart with a moan.

"As much as I would love to join you I should go make breakfast." As he turned, Emily gave him a pat on the butt.

Twenty minutes later Emily padded into the kitchen to see Hotch hard at work making a breakfast buffet. He was pulling bacon out of the oven, which he sat next to a griddle full of pancakes. A bowl of cracked eggs were on the counter next to a fresh pot of coffee.

"Wow, you know how to treat a girl," she said as she placed a hand on his back.

"I may have gotten a little carried away. I don't get to do this often." He gave her a sheepish smile as he flipped pancakes. "I also have some hash browns in the freezer."

"What no fruit?" she teased.

"You're lucky I have this much. Five days in Texas followed by three chasing your guy from city to city doesn't leave a lot of time for grocery shopping."

"I can live without the hash browns, the coffee I cannot." Emily poured a mug. "I don't know how we're going to eat what you've already made." Emily leaned against the counter watching him move around the kitchen while she sipped her coffee. She was enjoying the sight of a half dressed man making her breakfast.

"What?" He asked spatula in mid air.

"Huh?" she asked shaking her head lightly to bring her back to the present.

"Do you like what you're seeing? You were staring at me."

A blush crept over Emily's face and she grinned into her mug. "I was just thinking about the last time we did this."

Hotch placed a kiss on her forehead as he grabbed plates from the cabinet. "Well hopefully the next time won't be in four more years."

Emily ignored his comment moving to sit at the breakfast bar. She busied herself with topping her pancakes with butter and syrup. "God, these are so good," she moaned with a mouthful. "What did you put in them?"

"It's a secret," he winked. After he took a long swig of coffee he turned to her. "So my night is a little hazy. How exactly did we get away from Garcia?"

"Told her my mother was in town demanding that I see her for breakfast before I went back to New York to catch the jet. It made logistical sense to stay at Mother's. And that your place was on the way so we could ride together."

"Smart."

"I may have also said that Morgan wanted her to come visit him and Hank," Emily chuckled. "Garcia can't say no to a baby, especially when she's drunk."

"You are devious," he quirked an eyebrow in her direction as he worked on his plate, "remind me not to get on your bad side. So what time do you need to leave?"

"I'm taking the five o'clock train but I want to go visit Morgan and Hank before I go."

"Well we will have to make the most of it until I get to see you again." He gave her a sly smile as he ran his hand up her thigh and leaned in to nuzzle her neck. "After last night _and_ this morning, there is no way I'm waiting four years for that again."

Emily once again ignored his words about their future. Instead of reacting she munched on a piece of bacon and pretended to be really interested in adding cream and sugar to her coffee.

"Emily," Hotch said with a slow measured tone, "Are we ok?" He sat back and turned to face her.

"We? What do you mean we?" Emily's eyes widened and her voice went up an octave.

"I assumed that this meant you wanted to be together again, that you were ready to give this a real shot." He searched her face. "Apparently I was wrong."

"Yep." Emily got up and placed her dishes in the sink. "Thanks for breakfast. I should get going."

"Emily, talk to me. Let's discuss this."

"Why? What is there to discuss?" she crossed her arms and leaned against the sink.

"Why? Because I want to be with you. Because I am tired of us dancing around this and not actually talking about it." His palms where pushed into the counter as he leaned towards her. All he wanted was a chance to talk this through.

"God damn it, Aaron! What do you want from me?"


	2. Just One More Case (In Name and Blood)

**AN: As I mentioned before all the chapters from now on until the end will be from the past. Emily will tell the story front to back and Hotch will go backwards.**

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"Just one more case"

That's what he told her five hours ago. Five hours ago when he came to her door asking her to come back to work, that the team needed her, that he needed her. And now they were on a plane to Milwaukee to meet up with the others. The day before she made up her mind to leave the team. She hated politics and she didn't need Strauss breathing down her neck on top of the stress of the job. After only nine months she was sure that nobody, besides Garcia, would miss her. It made her decision to say goodbye to the team that much easier, even when Hotch told her it would be a mistake to leave.

Then he showed up at her door and asked her back. He had figured out what Strauss wanted her to do and didn't want her to give up a job she was suited for because of politics. In hindsight it was easy to see why he was so pissed when she joined the team. He thought she had finagled a spot under false pretenses. It was true, but not even Strauss knew that. But she proved to be damn good at her job. After all she had more practice than they knew.

She was surprised to learn that he was leaving too. Through the all shit they dealt with, he was the steady one. In every crisis he was calm, focused. His support of the team didn't waver, whether it was defending them to Strauss or from murder charges. With Gideon and Hotch gone she wasn't sure who would hold the team together.

Emily had questions she still wanted to ask about his transfer but after the last time she asked a personal question she decided against it. She tried to focus on the case files. They had a job to do after all.

"Do you know what they have so far?" She asked sifting through the photos.

"Based on where and how they found the victims we think he has a manual job, craftsman perhaps. And there's something related to schools based on the abduction and disposal times."

"Maybe he's using his kid as part of the ruse? Besides the hearts it doesn't look like any other injuries to indicate a blitz attack." She passed the autopsy report back and reached for the crime scene photos, knocking his water over in the process. "Oops!"

"It's ok," he pressed his lips together. They both tried to wipe off the files but kept elbowing each other. "Next time I try to leave the team, remind me of the perils of having to fly commercial."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." Emily tucked the dry files away and grabbed a napkin to wipe up the water.

"Prentiss you don't have to call me 'sir' all the time." He looked over to her. "We have worked together how long now? I think you can call me Hotch." He froze and Emily stopped what she was doing to look at him. He looked down and she followed his gaze. "Especially since you just put your hand on my crotch."

Quickly she pulled her hand back as a blush crept up her face. "Sorry again, sir. I ah…I..." Her mouth snapped shut and she looked away. She knew that one day her clumsiness would catch up to her; she just never thought it would be like this.

"Let's forget about it. We should be landing soon."

Taking in how nonplussed he seemed, Emily decided to be bold. "Considering we just got second base, can I ask you a personal question?"

"One would think that considering that you got to second base with your boss you would keep your nose out of my personal business." He gave her a side long glance and a smirk. "But since you aren't most people go ahead."

"Are you really going to transfer? It doesn't seem like you would let Strauss push you around."

He sighed and turned to face her. "She would make life even worse for the team if I stay. The work we do is too valuable to be the subject to petty games." He grimaced. "I'm sorry for the way I treated you when you first showed up. There was a lot going on with Strauss and Greenaway leaving and I took it out on you."

Emily just nodded her acceptance and went back to the transfers. "What department did you put in for?"

"I was thinking white collar," he said nonchalantly.

"But that's a desk job, all paper work and no people." She tilted her head at him.

"And no travel. I would be home to see my wife and son on a regular basis. That would make Haley happy at least." Emily noticed him stiffen slightly. She thought that was odd considering when she saw them together three months ago they looked every bit the high schoolers they were when they fell in love. "And who knows maybe I can find a way to apply profiling to art heists and forgers." Hotch chuckled and leaned back in his seat.

Emily gave him a small smile and sat back. Trying to imagine Hotch at a desk doing paperwork all day was hard. At first glance he would seem like the desk job type; crisp dark suits, stern jaw and a no nonsense attitude. Once you get a little closer you can feel the power he exudes from every muscle. Every delectable muscle. From those strong shoulders to that ass.

Emily started at that thought. Hotch was not her typical type of guy. She could admit that he was objectively attractive but that didn't mean she was into him. He was too "standard issue" for her taste. He was FBI Ken complete with the suburban family play set. She liked her guys a little rough around the edges, wild and unpredictable. Maybe it was a holdover from years of trying to piss off her mother. If he were a woman on the other hand, he would be just her type. The type that was well put together, cultured, whip smart and could stand up for themselves. Besides his lack of humor Hotch did have a lot of great qualities she looked for in a partner, just not all in the same person.

She gave Hotch a lingering glance from head to toe trying to reassess her feelings for him. He did look good in that navy suit. Her mind thought back to the team movie night last month and how his face lit up when he smiled. He was quick to support the team, well, the other members of the team, and was a fierce advocate for victims. And there was something about a committed family man that was endearing. Not that she was interested in having a family of her own or breaking one up, but the idea that someone would commit like that is desirable. She had once gotten close to having a family; she even fell in love with the little boy. But that was all make believe, mostly. Sometimes she could still hear that thick Irish accent calling her name, Lauren, in the night.

Emily couldn't believe she had a crush on her boss, her married boss. She needed to shut this down and fast. He was an attractive stand up guy who had a voice that got low and turned into a growl when he was interrogating someone. That didn't mean she had feelings for him.

She just wanted to know if he growled like that in bed.

Noticing the heat building between her legs, Emily wanted to get off this line of thought before she started drawing attention from the object of her lust. She needed to get through this case without any incidences so she could move to the State Department and stay in D.C. All her pull was used to get her into the BAU without suspicion. Any other moves after would have to be on her own accord. It would be hard enough to move on if she pisses Strauss off by showing up on this case; she didn't need to add indecent behavior as well.

"What about you? What do you want to do at State? I don't think being a translator would be enough excitement for you."

"Umm…Hotch? Strauss?" She gulped as she turned to face him.

"What about her?" he asked nonchalantly.

"How pissed do you think she'll be when we show up together? She'll figure out that you know she wanted me to feed her information. I really need to stay in D.C. And well," she gulped, "she could ruin me."

"I'll handle Strauss." He laid a hand gently on her forearm. Emily tried to ignore the lighting it sent through her body. "She won't do anything because it could get out that she tried to sabotage me. I could ruin her before she touched either one of us. She may have the title but I have plenty of connections." He gave her arm a reassuring pat.

Emily tried to settle in as they began their descent. So she thought he boss was attractive, no big deal. That didn't mean she was going to pursue him or anything. She just needed to focus on the case so they could save this woman. Her compartmentalization skills had been getting a little loose as she started to feel more comfortable at the BAU. Now it was time to put them back to work.

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 **AN 2: Thank you everyone for the follows! And for being patient. I just moved and my ISP is being shitty about getting set up. I'm stuck using coffee shop wifi for the next two weeks.  
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 **Rmpcmfan: You'll eventually see why Emily is pulling away ;)**


	3. What You are Looking for (200)

**AN: I decided to give you all an extra post today to make up for the long wait. Moving forward this will be a Wed/Sat posting. So expect chapter 4 soon!**

 **Also: Obviously I don't own anything and there will be some borrowed dialogue. All credit to the powers that be.**

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"Emily, how much longer do I...ehh we have you?" He almost let it slip out. He was still drained from the past forty eight hours and the political red tape. The team had gathered in a bar, part going away for Emily, part we're glad you're alive for JJ.

"Umm…" she looked at her watch, "six hours." She looked apologetic and slightly wistful.

"So soon?" Garcia pouted.

"That's six more than we had yesterday." Leave it to Rossi to keep things in perspective. He would never say it but Emily leaving hit him hard. Hotch knew he thought of them all as his children.

"I'm glad I finally got meet you. I've heard such amazing things," Alex commented. In all the commotion of the rescue the two women recently got properly introduced.

"All lies," she grinned. Hotch tried to look around at everyone else to avoid staring at Emily. It was hard not to smile back at Emily's beaming face. Thankfully everyone else was doing the same.

Everyone drifted into separate conversations. Hotch tried to become absorbed in the story Reid was telling about his afternoon with Jack and Henry. After almost two years without seeing her it was hard to hide his adoring looks in Emily's direction. He was intrigued by all the ways she changed yet was the same shining Emily. It was like she had her confidence and warmth back. She was at ease again after that harrowing year of Doyle.

Nursing his scotch from a corner booth, he looked around the bar. Morgan, Rossi and Will were dissecting football stats for an upcoming game. JJ was talking Garcia out of buying a toy for Henry. Reid, Blake and Emily were discussing something in Russian, faces animated and hands gesturing all around. Over the years he had become more than coworkers with his team. He wasn't in everyone's inner circle but he felt a certain affection for them all. It felt good to have everyone together, even for a moment.

Emily's eyes met his and a small smirk danced across her face. She mouthed "party pooper" at him. He shrugged taking another sip of his drink. Emily made her way over to the booth. He watched every movement. He had forgotten how graceful she could be.

"Hey. How are you doing?"

"Taking it all in." He surveyed the room again. "Thank you again for coming." He still couldn't believe that all it took was him to say her name before she was racing out the door to help them, no questions asked. After two years she still knew the nuances in his voice.

"We're a family, of course I would come."

"You know what I've always wondered?" There was a playful grin on his face. He was going to take advantage of having her alone for the first time.

"Hmm?" she said finishing her beer and sliding in closer.

He leaned conspiratorially, any excuse to be closer. Even in a crowed bar he could detect her familiar scent of lemon and mint. "Who is who in this family?"

"Well Garcia is the fairy godmother to all. And Rossi is clearly the cheeky rich uncle." She laughed and he motioned for her to continue. "I don't know Blake very well but she has a mom vibe." She may not be a profiler anymore but she sure knew how to read a relationship.

"When it comes to Reid, total mom vibe," he agreed causing Emily to choke on her drink.

"You saying 'vibe' is the funniest thing." She coughed a few more times before speaking again. "The rest of us inhabit the realm of brother-sister roles," she continued as they watched Morgan tousle Reid's hair.

"So you and I are like brother and sister?" He raised an eyebrow at her. "Damn we are a dysfunctional family." He took a long drink, trying to hide his own surprise. He didn't know where that came from. Something about her leaving was making him bolder than usual. Or maybe it was the alcohol.

"No, you and I are not siblings," she gave him a grin, "definitely not siblings." He could see the lusty memories swimming behind her eyes. He was so tempted to kiss her then.

Garcia interrupted their memories. "Em, I can't believe you're leaving so soon." She was practically crawling over the seat to hug Emily. He could tell she was a few drinks in when Garcia started hugging everyone and telling them she loved them. Hotch didn't want to stick around long enough for her to start crying. While he appreciated her colorful and sensitive side, he could do without her drunken side.

"PG, I spent all day afternoon with you and Jayje. You'll have to visit again. I think you might have a better chance of getting time off than I will."

"Have you met my boss!" Garcia huffed, darting her eyes in Hotch's direction. "That guy is a workaholic!"

He couldn't control his outburst. All three of them dissolved into a fit of drunken laughter. They attracted the attention of the rest of the team. Slowly they all started saying goodbyes and making their way for the door. Promises to see each other again soon were exchanged all around.

"Can I take you to the airport?" He whispered in her ear as they hugged. It was hard to let her go.

"Not like that you can't." She looked him up and down, taking in his tipsy state. "But you can ride with me if you want to see me off." She grinned. "You might have to fight Garcia for that honor though." He felt a jolt in his stomach at her challenge.

"I'm sure we can convince her to go with Morgan." He knew he shouldn't be flirting with her. He still had a girlfriend, even if she lived states away.

Once in the cab his brazenness had worn off. He was struggling to find things to say.

"So how is the office?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth he was kicking himself. This was not a time to be talking about work.

"Good. Busy. Clyde is a pain in my ass." She rolled her eyes. He smiled.

"I am sure he says the same about you." That earned him a playful slap on the shoulder. He missed their banter.

"How's Alex fitting in?" Emily asked hesitantly. He could tell she was trying to act casual about the question.

"Ok, took a while. We had a barbecue with her family in Kansas City, even Garcia came."

"That's nice. She's a linguist?"

"She's more academic, meanings and history, less translating six languages while staring down an Unsub."

Emily smiled at the compliment and looked out her window for a moment. "How's Jack?"

"Good. School is going well, still likes soccer. He tries to play with Henry and JJ every chance he gets."

"I bet the boys love that."

He hummed an agreement. He was out of things to ask. He knew better than to ask about her mother. And asking about men her life seemed wrong. He was hoping she wouldn't ask about Beth.

Things with her were fine; as fine as they could be when you only see each other for a long weekend every other month. Their free weekends rarely lined up and as much as both of them liked spending time with Jack, it didn't exactly make for a romantic weekend with an eight year old in tow. Not that sex was his primary motivation for being with Beth but it was hard to maintain a relationship with limited physical contact. Contrary to what his team saw, he was a tactile person. And once you know what Penelope Garcia can do with an internet connection phone sex of any kind was off the table.

They sat in silence, avoiding each others gaze until they reached the terminal. Hotch paid the driver and grabbed her bags. They stood on the sidewalk staring everywhere but at each other, trying to avoid looking the other in the eyes. Several people bumped into them with bags but neither moved. Finally he spoke.

"Emily, I…" He had been reaching his hand out and let it drop to his side, gaze following. "I'm glad I got to spend some time with you. I don't want to you to think I've been avoiding you." They both knew he was. The look he received from Emily was proof. "I just… I…I miss you." He slowly looked back up to her. "It was good to have you back."

"I miss you guys all the time." He could feel his heart sink at her choice of words. "But my life is there now and things are going well. You know you could bring Jack for a visit." He could tell she was trying to keep the conversation on neutral topics.

He suddenly reached his hand to her face and pulled her in. They were in the middle of the kiss before he knew it started. Her arms reflexively reached around his neck. He was surprised at how easy it felt having her in his arms again, how they automatically moved together. Most surprising was that she didn't pull away. It was a passerby calling out to them to get out of the way that broke them apart.

He was turning pink and running his hands through his hair. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this flustered. "I've wanted to do that all night." He was trying to read her face but all he could see was shock. "Emily, tell me what you are thinking."

"I'm thinking I need to get on that plane and get back to my life. That we should act like that this never happened." There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. She must have seen his face fall because she continued. "What did you think was going to happen? That we would kiss and everything would go back to before? That was a lifetime and a different continent ago." She stared at him waiting for a response.

He knew there was nothing he could say that would fully explain his feelings. Or that would make her happy. At least nothing they had time for. They had enough heated goodbyes to last them a life time, he didn't need to add to that. He gave her one last longing look. "I hope you found what you are looking for." He watched her walk to the doors with her bag rolling behind her.

She called over her shoulder, "You too."

As the way it was between them: all the important things would be left unsaid.


	4. Stop Thinking and Touch Me (52 Pickup)

"Uuggghhh. What now?" Emily sighed as she heard the knock on her hotel room door. Quickly she turned the water off and slipped her pajama shorts and tank top on.

She was emotionally drained from her efforts to flirt with that scumbag tonight. Talking to someone was the last thing she wanted right now. All she really wanted was a long bubble bath and to go to sleep so she could block out her thoughts. Maybe it was because that had been the first guy she's interacted with in a "romantic" way, even if it was work related, in almost two months.

If you don't count the time her boss randomly kissed her. Emily sure didn't. It was a good kiss, a great kiss even. But since then he barely spoke to her unless it was case related. Which was actually more than normal as he had been paring them together frequently. She just chalked it up to a freak occurrence of opposite day where Hotch lost all self control. It had been a very emotional forty eight hours and he had to listen to her get beat. It was a 'thank goodness you're alive kiss.' The kind she was too scared to give him in the aftermath of New York.

Or it could just be that Viper was a total creep and it took all her energy to stop herself from taking him down. The only plus side of the night was that at almost forty someone still thought of her as attractive. Grabbing the hotel robe she padded over to door and checked the peephole.

"Hotch," she said not hiding the surprise in her voice when she opened the door.

"I hope I'm not interrupting your night." His eyes darted around her room, lading everywhere but her skin that was peeking out of her robe. "I just wanted to say good work out there Prentiss. With the case and with Todd."

"Believe it or not we actually had fun tonight." A smile played across her face as she stepped back into her room motioning for him to follow. There had been a small part of her night that was enjoyable.

"Really? You had fun with that dirt bag?" There was confusion in his voice. He took two hesitant steps so she could close the door. Emily wondered if he ever went into female agents rooms at night, or at all actually. He looked very uncomfortable.

"Not with him. But it sure was fun toying with him," she laughed. "Oohhh you should have seen his face when he started ranting. Do you think they'd make me a copy of the surveillance tape?"

"That good huh?" he asked with an eye brow raised. "I'm sad I missed it."

"Yeah too bad you would have scared him away. Big bad Alpha Male and all."

"Oh yeah. I would have loved to see how he would, what was it he said? 'Eat me for breakfast.'" He gave a hearty laugh, one she hadn't heard in a while.

"I would do anything to get my hands on a tape of _that_." She was a taken aback that he was actually flirting with her.

"Then we are all lucky I'm the one handing out assignments." There was look in his eye, one she had never seen from him before. It was lusty and it made her stomach clench.

"Why is that?" She asked hesitantly looking up through her eyelashes.

Hotch took a few steps closer to her. "I don't think I would have been able to control myself if I saw him all over you. I definitely would have blown the case."

Once again his lips were on hers before she knew what had happened. One second they were laughing the next she was pinned against wall. It was possessive, all consuming. No hesitation like last time. She threw her arms around his neck, straining to reach on her tip toes. Emily kept pulling him closer until there was no space left between them. She let out a moan and Hotch's movements stopped. He pulled his head back and Emily moaned again.

"Come back," she breathed pulling him back with a hand on his tie, she leaned up to pepper his neck with kisses.

"We shouldn't," he kept trying to speak, every time Emily thrust her hips, he stopped and took a ragged breath, "we can't." At some point in their kissing his mouth found her neck and his hands found their way inside her robe. She had worked his shirt loose and her nails dragged along his skin. "Emily," he breathed as he leaned his head away from hers.

He repeated her name with the same authority he used in the field. She stopped moving but didn't let go and looked up from his neck.

"Hotch we are two adults who, clearly, have some sexual tension to work out. I want this too; you're not taking advantage of me. Don't think, Hotch, just kiss me."

He had pulled his hands away from her. She could tell he was thinking it over, weighing the risks against the rewards of a night together. She decided to give him some incentive to stay and nuzzled his neck again. His sigh told her he was about to shut down and walk away even though his body was telling a different story. He was still responding to her tongue on his pulse point and the moans in his ear.

"Stop thinking and touch me." It wasn't a gentle suggestion; it was a command, one laced with arousal. She pulled his head back to hers with one hand on the back of his neck, capturing his mouth.

"Forgive me father for I'm about to sin," he mumbled against her mouth and kissed her with renewed passion.

"Good boy," Emily purred as his hands pushed away her robe.

She got to work on unbuttoning his shirt as he whipped hers over her head. Once she pulled off his shirt she started on removing his pants. As soon as they hit the floor he lifted her and she immediately wrapped her legs around his waist, pushing herself against his hardness. His mouth captured a nipple and an arm wrapped under her bottom. His free was tangled in her hair.

"Bed," She moaned as he hitched her up a little higher. "Now."

Hotch slid a hand between them as he used a thigh to hold her up. Within minutes her whole body was buzzing with a delicious high.

"Now I'll take you to bed."

* * *

Emily awoke when she felt him stirring behind her. He slowly untangled their limbs and slipped out of bed. She dared not move. This would be an awkward conversation, one she wasn't ready to have. She could hear him gathering his clothes from the floor and his feet padding to the bathroom. She glanced at the clock on the night stand. It blinked 3:30am. Emily had thought about this night before, what it would be like be in his arms, to have his hands on her body. She never thought of the aftermath.

She could feel his eyes on her as he stood by the door. Part of her wanted to say something, to find out what this was, if it meant anything to him. Emily could only describe it as fucking. There was no love or tenderness in their actions. It was a fight for dominance. Each trying to selfishly get what they wanted out of the other. But there had been a flicker of something behind his eyes when he called out her name.

He walked out without a goodbye, without a word.

Emily knew should have to keep her distance from then on. She knew there was no way she could hid what she was feeling from him. Even if she wasn't sure about what this was, he would. He always had the ability to read her. Well, most of her.

She thought back to the Milwaukee trip. She should have known better that it was more that simple attraction. Emily Prentiss doesn't do anything half way. Something had shifted in their relationship that day. He had finally accepted her as one of the team. He had stood up for her, defended her. And when they got home, he made sure she stayed. Besides Matthew all those years ago in Rome, she hadn't had anyone stick up for her that way.

Since then he trusted her more. Their working relationship had shifted dramatically. Her relationships with everyone had improved in the year and a half since then but none as much as theirs. In the field and in the interrogation room they were in sync.

They proved it with the way they moved together.

Emily had to admit, it was much better than any of her fantasies. She knew he had control issues and could be single minded when it came to a goal. Those two things were a great match when in he put them together in pursuit of giving her an orgasm. Most alpha males were the opposite, only concerned with their egos in bed.

She wondered briefly how Haley could give that up. She only had it once, well three times, and she already wanted it again. Plus there was all that other good stuff about him: great dad, loyal, caring, that fantastic body hidden under those delicious suits. Ever since she found out he was getting divorced it was harder and harder to keep her feelings at bay. She felt bad for him but it was still mostly pure attraction, not affection.

Emily went to the bathroom to shower the touch of him off of her. She knew that this would never happen again. Hotch had a lapse in judgment, that's all this was. Just like that kiss was just an emotional response to her being a hostage. She kept repeating that to herself as the water crashed over her. It was unfair that the best sex of her life was with someone she wasn't allowed to have.

* * *

 **AN: So excited for the three new followers! Hi! I'm flattered you like what I'm doing here. Not to be one of those people that beg for reviews but your comments let me know what ya'll like and I enjoy responding. So ask questions, point out lines you love, tell me that I'm driving you nuts by leaving out the good stuff.**

 **rmpcmfan: Sorry, not sorry, you're going to continue to be confused about the nature of their relationship for a while. I think it'll make more sense by, oh I don't know, chapter 18.**


	5. That Wasn't Our Deal (Unknown Subject)

"Tell me to stop and I will. That is all it would take. One word and it's over." He was standing in the middle of his office, case files abandoned on his desk. It was late, he was tired. They were the last ones there working on reports for a case they just finished that afternoon.

"That wasn't our deal." Emily glared at him as she paced back and forth in front of his couch. He was starting to regret bringing up the new training partner he found in Beth.

"You think I took that part seriously? I would have said anything to get you to stay." Hotch took some deep breaths and tried to release the tension in his hands. "Dave has been hounding me for weeks about going on dates with him, so when he found out I was training with Beth he would not let it go." He was trying to make her understand.

"I said you could do your own thing. I didn't expect to get a report every time a woman looked at you a suggestive way. Let's be real, neither of us have that kind of time." He could tell she was fuming. Her already pale skin was almost translucent. He had to keep ducking anytime she came near because her hands were flying all around as she spoke. "Did you think telling me would make me feel better? Or was it to make you feel less guiltily? You said no pressure Hotch. This sure as hell feels like pressure!" Her body was vibrating with anger, chest heaving,

He was getting desperate. He was not used to fighting, not with words likes this. Fights with Haley had always been done through looks, and sighs and things left unsaid. The guidelines for hostage negotiation were running through his mind. Empathize, he needed to empathize. He was willing to try anything he could do to calm her down. He softened his body and spoke soft and low. "I understand that you are struggling with this. This is hard on me too. Seeing you every day and not being with you. Let's talk about it calmly."

"I am not an Unsub Aaron. All your HRT tactics aren't going to help you here." She was in his face now, her own flashed red with anger. He cursed under his breath. The only bright side is that the office is empty so she can yell all she wants.

"Our other deal was to be honest and not hide things from each other, remember that one?" He saw her shrink back. That was low blow, he knew it. Softness crept into his voice again. "By telling you I was trying to be sensitive to your feelings. I thought if you knew how I was feeling conflicted about this it wouldn't hurt you so much."

"Well it feels like you're trying to force me to make a decision. Pick you now or watch you rub your happiness with another woman in my face." She finally collapsed on the couch looking worn. He could tell she was trying to hold it together. This last case wasn't easy on her, forcing her to deal with what happened with Doyle. He wasn't helping any.

"That is not what I wanted." He let a breath he didn't know he was holding out and moved to perch on the coffee table. "I was afraid you would think I was moving on quickly; that what we had meant nothing."

"I would never assume you thought so little of us." The tears were welling in her eyes now. He internally beat himself up for making her cry. It seemed like every time they talked lately ended in tears. "This is just hard. I don't think I'll ever stop having feelings for you **."** He wanted to reach out and comfort her. His hands missed the feel of her skin.

"Oh Emily, I still care about you too." He slumped over, head in hands. The only sound in the office was her ragged breaths and his deep, steadying ones. After what felt like forever he spoke again. "New deal. I will keep any details about Beth out of the office entirely. I will limit her appearance at team events."

"That's not really a new deal that's just you not being an ass about it," Emily huffed.

"I was not finished." He was stern. "You get approval of things she does come to."

"Does this apply to just her or any women in your life?" Emily asked with a sarcastic bite.

"Why do people keep thinking I'm sleeping around?" His face held a look of confusion tinged with anger.

"Because you could if you wanted to." She snorted. His mouth fell open. "Don't give me that look. Have you seen you in Kevlar? You're attractive, smart, compassionate, and can kick ass" She lifted an eyebrow at him. He shook his head in response. "Like you haven't noticed all the looks you get from female officers or family members we meet." She was laughing now. Right behind Jacks laugh this was his favorite sound. He couldn't help but smile. "I mean you're no Reid with the ladies but you do alright. " She had tears coming down, happy ones. The hiccups had started. "No wonder this Beth person had to stalk you and force herself on you. You're so clueless."

"Ok so I'm a little out of practice with flirting, and clearly relationships in general, but I'm not that bad." He chuckled a little. He saw her roll her eyes at him. "And she didn't 'stalk' me."

"You said she knew what triathlon you were training for, she saw you doing laps at the pool, was running the same route as you, probably for a few weeks before she got enough nerve to talk to you." Emily gave him a look she often did when he wasn't quite up to speed with anything not involving serial killers, which was pretty much everything. It was part pity, part amusement. "Just be careful. Remember the last time someone had a date that was a little too eager? JJ had to shoot them. Don't make her do that again."

Once her laughs turned into giggles he spoke trying to hide the weariness from his voice. "Emily, I don't want to fight anymore. This is hard enough without you hating me or knowing that I'm constantly hurting you. I'm sorry I brought her up." Another thing he kept doing, apologizing. How did he fuck this up so badly? "My romantic life will stay mine from now on. I know our team won't let us have too much distance from each other so we should make this as bearable as possible."

"Bearable? Being around me is "bearable"?" She tensed up again. A string of expletives ran through his head. Her eyes softened. "Goodness, I was kidding that time. I knew what you meant." He gave her a disapproving look. "I'm sorry I overreacted. This is hard to navigate." Emily started picking at her fingers.

"I want you to know our other deal still stands; I want you to know that you can still talk to me about what happened and when you have a bad day. It took a lot for you to tell me about it earlier. You shouldn't have to lose someone who understands what you're going through."

He could see her steadying herself. He did the same, knowing what she said next will be hard to hear. "Let's just keep our distance. I think that's best for right now." Hotch watched her face closely as she trailed off trying to read her thoughts through micro expressions. "I think I need to leave."

"It is late and we've had a long week. Are you okay to drive home? I can get Anderson, I think he's still around somewhere." There was nothing but concern in his voice.

"I'm fine." She slowly stood, taking a long look at him. "See you in the morning." Her goodbye was perfunctory and cold.

She was already out the door when he processed the sorrow in her voice and realized what she meant. He sat on the coffee table pondering what they talked about. He is clueless in relationships. Haley being his first and longest didn't give him a lot of experience dealing with breakups, awkward or otherwise. He wished things would have been different, that Emily's past could have stayed there. Now he was watching a great woman walk out of his life and taking a piece of his heart with her.

* * *

 **AN 1: So Beth was an alright character, but the way she met Hotch was creepy. Also see "You Must be Mrs Hotchner" chapter 3 for an explanation on the sleeping around thing.**

 **AN 2: Welcome new followers!**

 **Catulicious: Thanks! Glad you're enjoying it!**

 **Rmpcmfan: Don't get too excited. Can't let them together that easily.**


	6. Not Going Anywhere (Nameless, Faceless)

When he opened his eyes she took her first breath in what felt like hours. She had been pacing his recovery suite for two hours. The anxiety she had been feeling all morning lifted a little when she found him but they weren't out of the woods yet. They still needed to know what happened and knowing Hotch it would be like pulling teeth to get the full story.

She was halfway out the door when she told Reid she was going to Hotch's. Reid wouldn't argue in front of a concerned parent. It was almost four hours without communication with Hotch. Emily knew something was wrong. Hotch just didn't sleep in or ignore his phone. Even though these last few months, with Foyet loose and the ridiculously horrible cases, had been rough he wouldn't take time off. He doesn't do that, especially without notice. He powers through. _It's like he'll sleep when he's dead_ , she thought.

All of her fears were confirmed once she reached his apartment. A wave of terror flooded over her then she went into agent mode. It felt strange examining his apartment, digging through his things. Even though they had been sleeping together for months they never let their personal lives get thrown into the mix. Garcia finally found him in a hospital. He was in bad shape, cuts and stabs all over his torso. She didn't feel bad about being leaving the current case. The team could handle the boy at school for now and other agents could watch the house until the caught the guy. They didn't need her, Hotch did.

She tried to get as much out of the doctors as she could. She wasn't family so they only gave her the basics. She wasn't sure if she should figure out away to contact Haley or not. She was sure Haley would see right through her. Seeing the chart helped give them a break in the case but it also broke her heart when she saw there was more damage than stab wounds and bruises.

She sat there staring at his peaceful face. It had to be the anesthesia, because he had never looked so calm. Or weak. Emily kept focusing on the doctors words. Nothing major had been hit, he'll be ok. She needed him to be ok. Over the last few months their arrangement had turned into something more. They didn't talk about what it meant that he would hold her closer for a few moments before he left her room or how she ensured he took breaks to eat at the office. They didn't talk about how only she managed to distract him on the plane so his head wouldn't get lost in paper work. They didn't talk about their growing closeness at all.

In all honesty, one of those rare moments when Emily told the truth to even herself, it had always been more. Since that first night. She had been too afraid to admit what it meant. She couldn't lose what she didn't have. In all her years there were fleeting moments of love, pieces of it shown to her by different lovers and friends. Matthew was supportive and unconditional, Doyle was possessive, the team provided a sense of family she had been missing, and Hotch. Well, Hotch was all consuming.

He was the only one to show her how encompassing love could be. Everything with him was different. He was different than anyone she had been with before. The way her body responded to him was nothing she had experienced. Even when she just accidently brushed against him in the field or on the plane she felt lighting shoot through her body. Then she felt the strangest sense of calm. Like she was safe, like she was home.

Her smile when he woke up was hard to contain. She wanted to grab his hand to reassure him but she restrained herself. Every time her hand reached out automatically, she pulled it back in. They needed to know what happened. And she needed to be strong for him.

"What did he take?" Of course he was all business once he realized where he was. Classic Hotch, charging ahead no matter what. As soon he knew what page was missing his whole demeanor changed. "What did he leave?" He looked completely defeated when he told them about listing Haley in the Bs of his address book.

Refusing to leave his side, she stayed while the others went to protect Hayley and Jack. She could tell he was thinking it over, that he was furious. When she asked if he wanted to talk about it, she could see the lie. How he refused to look at her was telling. So was the little pull of his mouth at the end of his sentence.

"Hotch, I'm here if you ever change your mind. I'm not going anywhere."

He gave her a small nod. He didn't even bring his eyes up to meet hers. Just then her phone rang. She stepped into the hall.

"They're safe and on their way," she breathed out. She could see the tension from his shoulders release a little bit.

"Emily," he started hesitantly. "Thank you. For everything. If you hadn't come looking for me…" he trailed off. Emily could see he was trying to collect his emotions again.

"You still would have been here Hotch. He wants to watch you fall apart. He wouldn't have touched them until he was sure you knew what his plan was."

"I know. But you cared enough to look for me and now…" He must have been too tired to even try and hide his feelings from his face. Emily could read the fear and regret etched on it.

"Now you focus on your family," she said with a nod. She hoped her tone conveyed confidence and not the sorrow she was feeling about this whole situation.

When Haley was there Emily tried to give some space but she could still hear Haley's anger from down the hall. Once again Emily was restraining herself. She wanted to shake some sense into Haley. Hotch could have died at the hands of serial killer and here she was complaining about having to leave a job she just got.

What really broke Emily was hearing the emotion and love that lingered in their voices. No matter what happened they still cared about one another, they had a bond that no connection with Emily could break. As soon as he promised to spend every day making this up to her, she knew he'd never be hers. He never was. Whatever had developed between them these past few months was washed away the second his wife and child were on the line.

They may be divorced but she knew Hotch would never stop loving Haley. Of course she knew the marriage didn't end because they didn't love each other. She understood that after twenty some years it is hard to have a completely clean break. She didn't have any delusions of Hotch marrying her. But almost losing him made her realize that what they were doing was more than sex, there were feelings involved. Strong feelings. But this wasn't about her or her feelings.

This was about getting Hotch's family back. She knew she'd have to do the hardest thing. She would have to step aside so he could focus on Foyet. She couldn't distract him. The best she could hope for was him letting her offer support. She knew he wouldn't admit it, especially now, but he had been opening up to her. The connection she felt went both ways.

She would spend the next however many days, weeks, months, supporting him, challenging him, making sure he never felt alone. They never talked about it beyond her accusations that night in Dallas, but she sensed they were the same. Always seeking approval, going to the ends of the earth to protect those that they love, but never feeling like enough, never feeling like they were worthy of the same treatment.

She knew he would push everyone away. It was what he did; it's why his marriage fell apart.

She knew that he needed her much more than she needed him right now. This was going to break her heart every day, but it needed to be done. Having him whole and happy was more important than having him in her bed. There was a good chance that this was good bye. If Haley finally understood his job and why he was the way he was, she might come back to him. He might finally give up the job that took his family away.

Emily weighed the possible outcomes as she studied Hotch's once again sleeping form. His face was creased with worry as she stroked his hair. She carefully leaned down to whisper in his ear. After placing a gentle kiss to his forehead she turned to leave. She hoped her words of encouragement would give him comfort and strength.

"Good bye Hotch. You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be happy. Please let us help you. We love you, I love you."

* * *

 **AN 2: I kinda hate these chapter titles so they might change but the chapters themselves won't.**

 **AN 3: Is anyone picking up on a theme? Wink wink, nudge nudge.**

 **AN 4: Hello new lovelies!**

 **Rmpcmfan & Southunlady: Beth was just too smiley. We didn't get any real development of her though, so I try not to hate her too much. I also have a "deleted scene" of that after race breakfast with her meeting the team coming up. I will try to start posting those in the next week as their own story.**


	7. Get You Home (It Takes a Village)

"Hotch. I got him."

He felt his heart stop. "Where? How? Are you sure?" He had so many questions. He couldn't even be mad at Morgan for not telling him he was looking.

"I found Declan. I've been watching him, waiting for Doyle to show up. I'm sure it's him."

"I'm on my way," he said with quick determination. "And Morgan, if you get him…take the shot."

He couldn't think straight, his body moved into action all on its own. Before he knew it, he was back in his tent throwing things in his duffle. He had to get out of here. He placed a call to the one person who could help.

"JJ, get me her address. We're coming home."

It took some convincing and a not so subtle threat but he managed to get out of his assignment. They were going to get that bastard that took her away from him. Within two hours of Morgan's call he was on a cargo plane to Germany. From there it was a quick hop to Paris, then a jaunt on a train to Emily. He hadn't actually gotten a location, just a list of safe houses. He had a good feeling about Paris.

Once he was off the train it was a quick car ride to her apartment but it wasn't fast enough. He was tired from all the travel but the prospect of seeing her kept him going. It was the middle of the night when he reached her door. After knocking for what seemed like eternity he heard the shuffle of feet then the cock of the gun. The door flew open.

"Hotch," she gasped.

"Emily, I…" The speech that had been playing in his head vanished at the sight of her. He, the once formidable prosecutor, the man who stared down serial killers, was at a lost as to what to say. It didn't happen very often but it seemed that Emily was the cause of it more often than not.

Their hands and lips flew to each other as he pushed her back inside. If they couldn't get a decent goodbye they were sure as hell going to get a proper hello. His kisses peppered her skin like he couldn't get enough.

It was the truth.

In between kisses they whispered hurried apologies.

"I'm sorry..."

"Shhh…shhh…It's ok..."

"You're here…"

"I tried to save you…"

"Later. We'll get to all that later."

There were so many things he wanted her to know, things he wanted to apologize for, and questions he wanted to ask. There weren't enough words or time. She lifted his head back up to hers. The passion in that kiss was enough for him to understand there was no need to explain.

Some things are better left unsaid anyway. It had always been that way with them.

They were still standing in the entry way as he moved his hands down her body. Emily responded in kind, slipping her hands under his t-shirt. His mouth moved down her neck, over her collarbone and to a pink satin covered breast. He gently slid the straps of her nightie off her shoulders, the material pooling around her waist. Her hands immediately flew to her abdomen to cover the angry scar just under her breasts.

Without a second of hesitation, Hotch slowly moved her hands away and looked up to her. "Emily, you are so beautiful." His lips ghosted across the raised flesh before moving farther down her body. Tugging at the fabric around her hips, it fell to the floor. "Let me show you," he whispered as he hitched a leg over his shoulder.

* * *

The light streaming in from the wall of windows woke him. Emily was curled at his side. It felt so right to have her back in his arms. She stirred as he ran his fingers through her hair. He saw a brief flash of confusion pass on her face before she smiled up at him. He felt his heart clench, he dreamed about that smile. They laid there a moment, soaking each other up. Her smile change to a frown, he could tell there was something she wanted to say.

"Hotch are you mad at me for lying?" She stammered, "Fo…f…for running?" He could see the tears forming as her voice shook.

He could never be mad at her, not for this. Whatever she did as part of her mission was in the past. All that mattered what that the Emily he knew loved him. He had figured that out in the aftermath of Foyet. For someone as private and generally distrusting as Emily to support him that way said everything she never did.

And he loved her. This Emily, _his_ Emily. The one that made everyone smile, the one that didn't hide her insecurities from him, the one who would do anything for her family. The one who was nice enough not to laugh at his ridiculous scruff from months in the desert.

"You know, I had my suspicions about you," he smiled back at her, "well before any of this went down." In an attempt to look her in the eyes he lifted her chin.

"Really?" A rouge tear slipped down her cheek.

"Oh yeah. How could I not?" He laughed. "You were too eager to prove yourself, to make friends with the team. You were a great profiler from day one but you acted unsure. Our cases didn't impact you like they should and you had more insight than a new field agent would. You were too fluent in all those languages for someone who lived in various places as a child."

When she continued to stare at him, he took a breath and continued. "I know you're strong but that beating you took from Cyrus? The fact that you were present enough to get a message to us means you probably have had to do that before." There was sadness in his eyes he didn't even bother to hide. "The most obvious, to me anyway, is how we were drawn to each other because we are accustomed to hiding parts of ourselves away from those around us, even our loved ones, in order to protect them." He took a breath and looked at her face. It was a mix of shock and amazement. "Plus you have horribly expressive eyes. They don't lie." He winked at her.

She playfully swatted at his arms. "Ok then, let's see you take down an international arms smuggling ring from the inside with only your wit and powers of persuasion."

It was great to hear her laugh again. But they had a job to do. He took a deep breath, knowing they needed to get back to the real world.

"Emily," started hesitantly, "we found Declan and Doyle. We need to go home."

Her eyes widened. "You found him? Is he alright?" She was already out of bed, searching for pants.

"He's safe right now," he said sitting up. "Let's make sure we get you home the same way. Do you have some cash left over?"

"Some, what are you thinking?" Emily was grabbing a random assortment of clothes and toiletries.

"It would be faster and safer to get a private jet." He hastily added, "I'm sure you recall my aversion to commercial flights," as a smile flickered across his face.

"Really? Now of all times you decide to be funny?" She didn't even turn to look at him as she dug out her fake documents and tossed them in her bag.

"We have at least six hours before we will know anything or can even do something. I know how wound up you get." He wrapped his hands around her waist and placed a kiss on her head. "You set up the plane and call a taxi. I'm going to shower and grab us some breakfast."

"We don't have time for that!" she nearly yelled as she spun in his arms.

"Unless you want me to smell like camel and desert sweat for six hours, you'll let me shower. Or at least rinse out my clothes."

"You are so lucky you are taking me home," she threatened with a grin.

"Trust me; I know how lucky I am." He placed a final kiss on her head and started the shower. He got a warm shower, Emily was safe and they were heading home to Jack, to their family. This was the best day he had experienced in a long time. He couldn't help himself as he started humming while the shower warmed up.

" _Oh honey pie you are driving me frantic  
Sail across the Atlantic  
To be where you belong_

 _Honey pie come back to me, oh_

 _Honey pie you are making me crazy  
I'm in love but I'm lazy  
So won't you please come home  
Come, come back to me, honey pie"_

* * *

 **AN1: The song is "Honey Pie" off the Beatles white album. The chorus seemed appropriate for her homecoming.**

 **AN2: If you haven't already check out "Moments in Time" for some off screen scenes like just how did Emily get that picture of Hotch on her phone and what was the breakfast with Beth and the team like.**

 **RMPCMFAN: maybe they'll eventually figure it out... ;) Southunlady: I like to think if this as head canon, so I follow the show (except for their horrible job building a straight time line) but expand on what was said between the lines, so Beth happens but I can make up the why and the how. SourGummyCandy: you'll see ;)**


	8. Want to Hold You (The Fight)

**AN: I know the Sin to Win convo was after this but I like the way it sounds so let's all ignore that ok? OK.**

* * *

"Princess, when was the last time we had this much fun after a case?" Morgan asked as he brought their drinks over to the table.

"Uh Vegas? But the morning after was not that fun." Emily grimaced at the memory of that awful hangover as she sipped her drink.

"Not for you anyway," Morgan winked at her and made his way to the dance floor. "Sin to Win baby!" he called.

"Sin to win," She yelled back.

"Sin to Win?" She heard whispered in her ear. She placed the accent to its owner immediately. "I'd be willing to sin to win a night with you." His hand came to the small of her back.

"You're lucky we are in a very public place." She said it as sweet as possible with a smile on her mouth while she shifted away from his touch.

"Oohh what would you do to me if we weren't?" Mick asked with a grin.

"Take your balls off." There was venom in her voice this time. It matched the fire in her eyes.

"Feisty."

"Just not interested," She bit out. She was getting real tired of his constant attempt to flirt. It was fine at first but after three days it was getting as tiresome as his accent.

"You will be. Give it time."

Emily drank in silence and kept her gaze on Morgan and JJ on the dance floor. She couldn't wait for Gina and Reid to finish their game of pool so they could take some of the attention away from her. She just wanted a fun night celebrating the closing of a case. When the younger agent suggested moving from the warehouse to a bar she was game. It's not that she minded flirting; Rawson was attractive and the accent was slightly alluring. It was that her wants were elsewhere.

The last ten months was spent being pushed aside as the man she loved was grieving. She spent the last two debating whether or not she should move on and accept this as goodbye, if what he went through was too much for him to come back to her. Not that she had any claim over him, not really. They had never discussed what they were. Anytime they had gotten close, he made it very clear it didn't mean anything to him. That's what she assumed anyway because he refused to actually talk about it.

"Hmmmhmm, sure," she answered without really listening. Her mind was trying to figure out how much longer she should wait before she went back to the hotel.

"I said it looks like you are having a good time." Every sense snapped to attention. Emily was not expecting to see him here. It was like she was concentrating on him so hard that he appeared. She blinked a few times to make sure he was really standing next to him.

"I thought you were heading back to the hotel?"

"What? I know how to have fun too." Hotch gave her a grin. She missed that grin. It made her pulse quicken and her stomach turn. She must have been staring a little too long because he leaned in closer to her. "He clearly doesn't know how to treat a lady." He nodded over his shoulder where Mick was now chatting up a young blonde. "You know I can show you a better time," he whispered in her ear.

That didn't help clear her thinking, at all. She was paralyzed, she couldn't move. She wanted to say something but her brain wouldn't work. This wasn't usually a problem for her.

"This is a first," he chuckled. "I should shock you more often; we might get more work done without you mouthing off." He laughed again when she glared at him. "Will you let me get you out of here?" All Emily could do was nod. After a year the Hotch she knew, the playful, sarcastic, confident Hotch was back. She didn't know what to make of it.

He lightly placed a hand on her back as he steered her out the door and onto the sidewalk. Emily's eyes were darting around for her team to see if anyone would stop them. He pulled her into the alley and pushed her against the wall, his mouth claiming hers. She automatically molded herself to him. The first clear thought she had was about how much he really liked her against walls.

"You know this is the perfect place to run into an unsub." She immediately regretted what she said. Her mind still wasn't working properly; everything was overwhelmed by his touch. He chuckled against her mouth and deepened the kiss. Finally she had to come up for air. As she broke away she realized at some point she had unbuttoned most of his shirt and he had snaked a hand under hers. Emily tried to focus on something other than his tongue on her collarbone. "Maybe we should take this back to the hotel."

Without hesitation he straightened up, did up a few buttons and walked to the street to hail a cab, pulling her behind him.

"The Belmont, please." He had a twenty over the seat to the cabbie before she closed the door. "Sorry about that, I couldn't stand the thought of you out with him." He wrapped her body close to his with a hand on the side of her face. "And I missed you." With that he kissed her again, not stopping until the cab did.

* * *

"Stay."

Emily froze. She had been crouched down by the bed searching for her underwear. She was about to give up and put her pants on without them so she could sneak back to her room.

"Come back to bed with me please," he called softly.

She was contemplating her choices. They had never actually slept together before. Maybe a few minutes here or there but the unspoken rule was to get out as soon as you could. Maybe it would be different this time. She slowly set her clothes back down and stood up.

"You really want me to stay with you? All night? In your bed?" Even though it was dark, her eyebrow still cocked in his direction.

"What's left of it. Yes." The clock on the night stand turned in her direction. It blinked four am at her. He pulled back the covers for her. "Come lie next to me. I don't want to be alone."

She hesitated. "If that's why you want me here, just because you're lonely, I can't do that. I can't be you're band aid." She gently sat on the edge of the bed and flicked the lamp on. It would have been easier to talk in the dark but she needed to see is face to be sure this is what he wanted. It been six months since Haley died. She may have been his ex-wife but she was the love of his life. She refused to be an excuse for him not to deal with his pain.

"I've been lonely since before my marriage ended. But that's not the only reason I want to hold you." She scanned his face for any hidden meaning. When she didn't responded he started again. "This case hit me hard. I need to remind myself why I'm here."

She slowly stretched her legs out next to his and lowered her head down. He reached out for her immediately and rolled her to him. As soon as she settled on his chest, she could feel him relax and his breathing returned to normal. Still she remained silent and took in his warmth.

"These dads fighting, literally to death, for their children. For their children to live. I just…I.." She felt him take a deep breath and loosen the tight grip on her arm that had tightened has he spoke. "I knew what they were going through. It's so painful and raw."

Instinctively Emily knew not to speak. He was finally opening up to someone. She didn't want to ruin it. Instead she traced patterns on his chest with her fingers just enough to let him know she was there but not enough to be intrusive. She tried to keep her own breathing slow and even and not react to anything he said.

"I had to reevaluate a lot of things in the last year; the decisions I made, my commitment to this job and the ones I made to my family, to Jack. I decided that fighting the bad guys to make Jack's world a little safer was important. It was necessary. At least for me to be the kind of dad I want to be."

"What kind of dad is that?" she asked at a whisper as not to startle him.

"The kind that is happy and loves unconditionally, who show's his kids how to handle the hard things and not lose yourself in the process. The kind that always fights for what's best for their children." He took a shaky breath.

"That's a pretty lofty definition." She gave him a slight squeeze. "I think you're off to a pretty good start."

"You think so?"

"I may not be the best judge of what a fit parent is given the examples that I had but you are there for Jack. You adore him and it shows. You show Jack every day how to handle difficult situations and that doing what's right is one of the most important things. The fact that you worry means you care, that already puts you ahead of the game."

"I worked so hard to avoid being my father that I turned into my step father: a workaholic who doesn't see his family enough." He let out a forceful breath and squeezed her tighter to his side. "Have you ever thought about kids?"

She thought about it a moment before speaking. "There was that case in Boulder, the family annihilators. The one girl survived." When he nodded she continued. "That was the first time I really thought about being a parent of any sort. But one day, maybe when I'm done with this I'd like to foster kids. Put some good back into a bad situation."

"I could see you doing that," he said quietly. She smiled at the memory of JJ saying the same thing. "I'm sorry that I was harsh when you first brought it up. Haley and I talked about that once, fostering or adopting, when we learned we couldn't have anymore."

She could feel the hitch in is breath again as his chest tightened under her. "You don't have to tell me this." He had already shared so much just by letting her lay here.

"She had wanted a big family but I convinced her to wait for the right time in my career to do it. First it was getting established, then the FBI and SWAT. Through HRT I found profiling so we moved back east so I could join the BAU. Before we knew it ten fifteen had gone by and we didn't have kids yet." He paused and Emily wasn't sure if he was going to continue or not.

"What changed your mind?" It was almost a whisper.

"Haley. She had done so much for me I needed to think about her. I had to get over my fears and trust that we could do this, that I could be a good dad. She always believed in me." She felt him tense up again. Sensing that was a topic for another time, if ever, Emily stayed quiet and still. "It took us almost two years and two rounds of IVF to have Jack when we finally started trying. And Haley was so sick the last month and a half of it with high blood pressure. We knew there was a good chance Jack wouldn't get any siblings with our ages and the risks. So we talked about other options for later on, when things would slow down. And then…" The tears that had been threatening to fall finally gave way. He pushed himself away from her and leaned against the headboard.

"Hey, hey you. It's okay." Emily reached up to wipe a tear off his cheek. "You still gave her Jack. Now you make sure he is taken care of. Ok? You can still make it up to her by taking care of him." Brushing a hand through his hair she sat up. She pulled him to her and wrapped her arms around his chest and neck. "You are strong, you can do this. You can fight for Jack. It's hard but we all have your back." She continued to whisper support into his hair until his eyes dried. She didn't let go until he stilled. "It's late, we have to be up early. Let's get some sleep okay. I promise I won't let you go."

Emily moved back down the bed and pulled the covers over them. As promised she didn't let him go, this time he curled into her. She stroked his hair until his breaths got heavy. Internally Emily was trying to process what had just happened between them. It wasn't the first time he had opened up to her over the years. But he was never this willing and he never talked about his personal life this in depth. She closed her eyes and willed sleep to come. It was going to be a long flight back to Quantico in the morning.


	9. If You Can Hear Me (Lauren)

The sounds of machines filled the room. The low rumble of the respirator was punctuated by the beep of the heart monitor. He held her hand to his tear stained cheek. His other hand gently stroked her hair as she lay unconscious under the bright lights. Her name came out like a prayer he couldn't stop saying. He only paused to place wet kisses on her palm.

"Emily, Emily, Emily. I'm so sorry Emily."

Even though that's all he could manage at the time it held so many meanings.

 _I understand why you ran_

 _We're not mad_

 _I'm sorry we didn't get there in time_

 _I'm sorry he did this to you_

 _I'll protect you now_

 _Please forgive me for sending you away_

 _Emily, I love you_

 _I need you to get better_

JJ's gasp is what brought him back. "Oh, Emily."

"How it go?" Hotch sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back on his hand. Her hand was still in his as he stood to face JJ, setting his jaw to counteract all the emotion he was just feeling.

He watched as JJ collected herself and stood a little taller. "It's done." JJ's eyes skimmed over Emily's limp body taking in all the bruises and bandages. "They'll move her in ten minutes. Once she's more stable we'll send her overseas with new identities and bank accounts. They agreed to let me debrief her when she goes." JJ picked up Emily's hand. "I'm so sorry, Em. Get better, I'll see you soon." She gave her friend a peck on the forehead.

He knew as soon as he climbed in the ambulance with her that it would need to be done. He would do whatever it took to protect her. It wasn't what he had in mind when he made that oath to Easter, but he was a man of his word. For a second when Emily coded he felt his own heart stop. Once they got her back he went into Agent mode and started planning. As soon as they reached the hospital he called JJ and told her to meet him before going to the waiting room. He wasted no time telling her about the plan.

"They think she will be okay once they stop the bleeding. But we need to move her. I need you to use your state department contacts." He didn't let the confusion on JJ's face derail this train of thought. He needed to get the wheels in motion and he didn't want her to see him breakdown. "She's not safe with Doyle on the loose, especially now that he knows his son is alive. We need to get her a secret identity and as far away as possible." He took a deep breath preparing for what would be the hardest part. "JJ, no else can know; this can't leave this room. Are you prepared to lie to our closest friends until we get him? This could go on for awhile."

"I'll do whatever we need to in order to protect her." He could see the determination in her eyes.

"Good, let's get started." He gave her a nod and started listing things to get done.

After a flurry of frantic phones calls and intense conversations with various staff and officials things were in place. He hated to put this on JJ. Hotch could have called in favors but he couldn't risk his visibility putting her in danger again. He also knew that if he had any idea where she might be there was no guarantee he would stay away. It was a lot to ask of her. At least JJ wouldn't have to face their colleagues each day.

He hoped JJ understood the urgency and importance of what they were doing. Understood how much this meant not just for Emily's safety but his sanity. He needed her safe. Even if it meant he lost her for now, she was what mattered. He couldn't lose someone else how he lost Haley. It hurt immensely not being able to explain the plan to Emily first, to tell her that he loved her.

Love.

That's what this was. He wasn't sure if it had been there from the beginning. Maybe it had been and he was just too afraid and stubborn to admit it. He tried to remember if he felt this way about Haley before he knew he might lose her. This felt different than what he remembered. Maybe after all those years he went from being in love to just loving. Right now he was in love with Emily.

He loved the way she punctuated her sarcastic comments with expressive faces. How she could deliver the harshest "fuck you" with the most proper 'Ma'am' or 'Sir.' The way she could read him at a glance. How she didn't question his actions when he was shutting others out, she just refused to move from his side. He loved how infectious her laugh was and how she tried so hard to bring a lightness to the team. He even loved her stubbornness and drive to push through the hard things they dealt with on a regular basis. She was his example on how to be committed to work and still have a life.

He knew better than to make promises he couldn't keep. He learned that lesson the hard way with Haley. But he had told Easter he would save her and right now this was his only way. It was a shitty way to say goodbye to someone, with one of them unconscious and fighting for their life. Hopefully when she woke up she would understand why he had to do it this way.

"We should tell the team." Hotch could feel JJ's eye appraising him. "I can do it. I'm afraid you might lose it." JJ's calm proved to him that she was the right choice for this task. For such a sweet and petite person she had a way of getting the job done when someone she loved was on the line.

He managed to croak out a watery sound of thanks. This was starting to get real for him. He wasn't ready to let her go.

"I'll give you another minute but you should go back out there so this doesn't look so suspicious." She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder before she left.

He gave the woman he loved a longing glance. Smoothing her hair again he repeated JJ's peck on the forehead.

"I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you Emily. I promise to bring you home." He walked away without looking back.

Hiding this from his team would be the hardest. Not because he felt bad about keeping secrets. He was used to hiding things from them. But because he had to pretend he wasn't grieving her loss as much as he really was. He kept telling himself that she was gone. That JJ will have set her up with a new life somewhere and she would be safe. He hoped if he repeated it enough that he would start to believe it. He would do what he always does when he faces something overwhelming: throw himself into work and soccer with Jack, anything to keep him distracted.

* * *

 **AN: Hi new followers! We are halfway through! As always let me know what you think!**


	10. Promise Me (Lauren)

" _You are not alone. We are in that dark place with you. We are waving flashlights and calling your name. So if you can see us come home. If you can't then, you stay alive 'cause we're coming."_

Emily had spent too long trying to keep it together. The tears fell freely from her eyes as the sobs racked her body as she listened to Garcia's message for the third time. She couldn't do this for much longer. This has to end for the sake of her family. She thought back to her last interactions with her team. She knew they were worried about her, Morgan and Garcia most of all. She felt bad about leaving them with no explanation, especially Reid. He had just confided in her and here she was running away. They were her family, they were small and a little broken, but they were still a family. She hoped they knew that she loved them all.

She didn't plan on running, not at first. The team was closing in on her identity and Doyle had made it very clear that if they interfered he would hunt them too. It really wasn't until she stood in the bull pen and looked around at them all that she knew what she had to do to protect them. When she started the BAU she wasn't sure what to expect. She knew the work was going to be challenging and would keep her busy. She was ready to get back to profiling instead of the secrets and lies. But the team aspect made her nervous. After two years undercover she wasn't sure if she could keep up with lying to them about who she was.

But the team surprised her.

It was easy become friends with the bubbly blonde and her big heart, even if she didn't want too. Garcia would have made her anyway. Being able to keep up with Morgan's banter and teasing helped cement that friendship. JJ was excited to have another female with her on the road but the real bonding came from overcoming other people's expectations of what they should be. Boy genius took a little longer to warm up to her. It was her unwavering support and refusal to be pushed away that won Reid's friendship. They had to force Rossi into being a family, but he eventually became everyone's favorite Uncle. He had a knack for knowing the right amount of support or push she needed when it came to her mother. Emily even found it easy to bond with Todd and Seaver, taking them under her wing, helping them navigate the fast pace of the BAU boys club, something she wished someone did for her.

Hotch was a different story. It took months for him to treat her like a regular team member and another six to start being friendly. She tried not to be too offended as he was a closed person. But now, _now_ , he was something completely familiar and safe. They shared much of themselves with each other in the last year, not just a bed. It happened in stolen moments on cases, over takeout, and with shared glances. She hoped he had gotten her message during the last time they were alone.

" _Prentiss, I need to speak with you." Emily stopped in her tracks by the hardness in her voice. She slowly turned to face him as he stood in the doorway of his office. By the look in his eyes, she knew this wasn't good. His face was only that blank if it was angry._

" _Uhh, sure," She nodded. "I'll be right there Morgan." She followed Hotch back into his office where he shut the door behind them and moved to lean on his desk. Her heart was racing._

" _Emily, I know something is wrong," he said slowly. "You clearly know more about this case than you've let on."_

" _Are you mad?" She looked up at him carefully. There was no point in arguing with him if he knew about her time at Interpol. She was thankful for the nonchalant way he brought it up in front of the others. She was curious as to how much of her past he knew. And if he had always known._

" _As your boss I'm furious. You withheld information about an investigation." She could tell by the deep furrow of his brow that he was choosing is next words carefully. "As someone who cares about you I'm worried." He sighed and looked away from her. "I know you can't and won't tell me about how you're involved. I just need to know that you will be careful."_

" _I will," she whispered. She wished she could tell him. But then they would demand to help. As it was this investigation was enough to put them in the line of fire. They didn't need her to push them any closer to Doyle. And even if it was safe, she couldn't tell them about her time with the CIA. And then there's the fact that she did some questionable things on this mission. They would all look at her differently. Especially Hotch. He was such a rule follower and she had smashed all the normal expectations of professionalism on that case. Not to mention she broke the number one rule of spy craft: don't fall in love with the mark._

 _He wrapped her in his arms clearly not caring that there were forty people in the bullpen that could possibly see them. "I can't lose you too," her murmured into her hair. She could hear the catch in his breath. Emily tried to soak it all up. Something told her she may not get this again for a while. As she closed her eyes she breathed in his familiar scent of soap, coffee and musk as she leaned her head against his chest. She tried to memorize the feeling of warmth and comfort that his arms provided. "Promise me Emily; promise me you will be safe, that you are not in danger."_

" _Aaron, I promise you that I will try to stay safe." She took in a deep breath; she knew the significance of saying his name wouldn't be lost on him. She felt him stiffen as he processed the words she chose. "I have to go with Morgan. He's probably getting worried."_

 _She reluctantly pulled away from him. Looking up into his eye, she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "It'll be ok. I'll see you later." She walked away without looking back, knowing that it would break her to see his face._

She knew they would eventually figure her out, that they would come for her. If everything went as planned this would be all over by the time they found her. It was a long shot that her plan would even work. But she had people to protect and they meant the world to her. She hoped she had bought them enough time to get some leads. She knew Doyle better than anyone; she knew how ruthless he could be. Add in that he was pissed about Declan and almost nothing could stop him. At this point she wasn't holding out hope that she would return to them.

But now it was time to focus on Doyle and his men. She just wanted this over with. Ian Doyle had been haunting her dreams for much longer than the last two months. In years since her mission ended she never let up on her CIA training. Different hair, different look, different life. She never kept anything the same for too long. There was always an escape plan.

In the last few years she thought about it less and less though. She was content in D.C. with the team. And with Hotch. For the first time she felt settled, like she belonged somewhere. They allowed her to become the real Emily Prentiss. It was the first time she never hid herself away. She felt loved. They hadn't said as much to each other yet, but she felt it every time they were together.

Emily turned her attention back to the Black Shamrock, watching as Doyle's men went in. She double checked her weapons and steeled herself for goodbye. She even took a minute to change her voicemail greeting on the phone Garcia reached her on, knowing the tech genius would find it. Once she saw movement again everything was a blur. Her plan had worked; the men were disoriented and easily left the SUV.

Then she heard that voice, the one that haunted her dreams. And everything went black.

* * *

 **AN1: I updated the chapter titles and included what episode is referenced to help understand the time line.  
**

 **AN2: RMPCMFAN & Outburst024 – I like the idea that after everything he's been through Hotch isn't as good at masking he's emotion's, at least not way from the job, anymore. Both because there's too many and he learned that hiding them from people isn't always the best thing.**


	11. In the Name of Honesty (Rite of Passage)

Hotch turned on a soft rock radio station and made a final lap of the apartment checking for stray toys, soccer cleats and case files. It was just dinner with Emily, he shouldn't have been so nervous about eating with her. They had already slept together. Multiple times. And it wasn't like they had never been alone together. But this was different. This was a date.

He asked to her to dinner yesterday at work. Well it was more of an incoherent mumble as he was trying to ask her about case files. He had a better plan but then she called him 'sir' in a tone that made it so he couldn't think straight. Thankfully Emily put it together. She had placed a note in a file for him. It was simple. Just 'Tomorrow. Seven. Your place.' He spent the rest of the day staring at it trying to make plans.

He was brought from his thoughts by the knock on the door. He smoothed down his button up and made his way to the door. Regardless of what his team thinks, he owns other clothes besides suits. It's just that his non work attire consists of t-shirts, pullovers and what Rossi loving refers to has his 'dad jeans.'

Hotch opened the door to Emily's smiling face and his mouth went dry. She was radiant even jeans and a simple sweater, her smile even bigger off duty. He wasn't sure how to greet her and went in for a hug just as Emily had stepped into apartment and shrugged off her jacket. Emily leaned in to kiss his cheek and he turned around to put jacket down, jabbing an elbow in her side.

"Oh Emily, I am so sorry," he placed a hand on her elbow and other on her shoulder to steady her. "Maybe we should stop moving for a minute. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. You just knocked the wind out of me for a second." She looked up at him carefully. "Can I give you a kiss now?" As he started to stutter she leaned in a place a quick peck on the cheek she was aiming for earlier. "Thank you for having me over. I brought wine." She held up a bottle of white and shook it slightly.

"This will go well with the Chinese I ordered." He turned towards the kitchen and called over his shoulder. "Please sit down. I'll just put this in the fridge. The food should be here in a few minutes."

"How did you know what I wanted?" Emily sat on one end of the couch, eyes browsing the bookshelf. Story books and westerns mixed with animated movies and picture frames. A quick glance around the room revealed four pictures of Haley.

"I'm a profiler," He said with a shrug walking towards the couch with two glasses of water.

"Wow, what a surprise, you are cheeky when not on duty," Emily smiled as she took a glass from him and pulled a leg under her and turned toward him.

"I do a lot of things that would surprise people," he replied nonchalantly.

"Like what?"

"You for one." He wasn't sure where this burst of confidence came from. But she had walked into that one. Normally he kept his humor under wrap at work. Portraying the big bad boss so they would trust his judgment in the field and he wouldn't be clouded by feelings for them.

Emily sat starting at him for a moment with her eyes wide. "If you meant that I compliment, which I will assume it is, then I think that was the smoothest thing you've ever said."

"Hey I was married for almost twenty years, I have some moves." He chuckled. Then froze with his mouth open. "Sorry I shouldn't have said that."

"Haley was a big part of your life. She still is and she always will be. You can talk about her." Emily moved a little closer and placed her hand over his that was sitting on the back of the couch. They sat gazing at each other for a moment, the silence starting to get uncomfortable. Just then the doorbell rang with their dinner.

"You still didn't tell me how you knew what to order."

"I file the expense reports and we eat together at least six meals a week. I know what you order. Or more accurately what you order then what you steal from Reid." He replied as he unpacked the bags on the coffee table.

"I like both and he never eats all of his anyway," Emily shrugged.

The spent the next twenty minutes eating, drinking, and chatting about the teams quirky little habits, like how JJ always takes the hotel soaps and Dave racks up room services charges from the mini bar. He told her some team stories from before her time. She particularly liked the one where they worked with the Indian reservation. The idea of someone screwing with Hotch was apparently hilarious. So hilarious in fact she started crying and hiccuping from laughing so hard.

"He actually called you Captain America? That is so spot on!" Emily's laughs were finally turning into giggles. He loved the way she laughed so openly. It was a full body activity for her.

"Ok, now that we got embarrassing me out of the way," Hotch drew out as Emily reigned in the giggler. "Let's talk."

"If we must," Emily sighed. "What are we doing here exactly Hotch?"

"I know I want more. But I want to take things slow, see where this goes. This is all new to me, dating as an adult, as a single dad."

After three days of watching Emily flirt with Rawson he knew he needed her back. He wasn't a normally a jealous man but he was always watchful over the women in his life. He knew Emily could fend for herself so he wasn't worried at all. It was the thought that he could lose her to someone else that spurred him to take action.

"Aren't we going in reverse of what most people do?"

"It is. But we aren't most people. I'm your boss." He paused and looked her over. "This could end badly. Not just for the team if we end up hating each other but our careers would be on the line."

"Didn't stop us from sleeping together," she shrugged. "And I'm pretty sure at some point in the last year and a half you hated me. Hell, you hated me when we started and we got passed it."

He really had been an ass to her more times that anyone should put up with.

"I didn't hate you, Emily. In the beginning I distrusted you. And more recently I was trying to protect you. I didn't want _him_ to know about us, I was scared. I had just said goodbye to Jack and Haley for an undetermined amount of time. I didn't want you at risk too." He looked at her carefully. "After the way I treated you, do you still want to do this?"

"I didn't walk away from you then and I'm here now aren't I?" There was a slight iciness in her voice. He kept his eyes on her to encourage her to say what she was really thinking. "I knew from your words in the car that day. You would never really be that callous."

"Emily, let's make a deal. This is going to be difficult, we won't get a lot of time together, we can't tell anyone, at least until we know if there is something more here, and our job is stressful enough. Can we promise to be honest with each other about how we are feeling, no secrets?"

After all distrust and secrets is part of the reason his marriage fell apart. He tried to keep the darkness he saw at work from Haley and she saw it as him being distant. She was unhappy and didn't tell him until she couldn't take anymore.

"Deal."

"Ok," he let out a long breath, "some other general guidelines."

"Why do I feel like I'm about to sign a contract?" Hotch just ignored her and kept going down his mental checklist. He had thought a lot about the logistics of this in the last day.

"I don't think we can keep partnering in the field. I keep worrying about you and getting distracted."

"And you won't worry if I'm with Reid or Dave?" She had a point. They both were great at talking unsubs down and did well under pressure but if she was going to be protected from a physical threat Hotch or Morgan was a better choice.

"No, I will. But it's easier to compartmentalize when I can't see you. And now that I've allowed myself to have feelings for you I don't think I'll be able to hide it as well as I did before."

"Ok. What else?" Emily asked hesitantly.

"Obviously nothing in the office. We need to keep any personal issues separate from what we are doing in the field. And nothing around Jack. Everything with Haley is still so new to him. I don't want to confuse or upset him. Plus he could never keep a secret."

"So that limits us to when he is with Jessica or a friend?"

"Told you we would not get a lot of time together. I don't want to lie to Jessica about where I am just to be with you."

"It makes sense. Jack's your priority. I would never want to take you away from him. Let's just keep doing what we were before. Everyone seemed to appreciate the few hours in a hotel bed over trying to sleep on the plane." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Hotch, you thought I didn't notice?"

Normally, unless someone needed the hospital or it was going to take longer to get a confession, they left shortly after the arrest. But he had been delaying them when cases ended in the middle of the night. It was always followed by him showing up at Emily's door. He tried to justify it to himself by the fact that the rooms were already paid for. And besides JJ, no one had anyone to go home to anyway.

"That's another thing. When were alone you can call me Aaron."

"I know I can. I don't want to. It took me a long time to call you Hotch, I feel like I earned it. Plus," she hesitated, "I don't see you as 'Aaron the single dad' and 'Agent Hotchner badass Unit Chief'. You're just 'Hotch my secretly nerdy and oh so hot coworker'. I get that it's easier for you to separate 'Prentiss your subordinate' from 'Emily your'… what was it you called me that one time? Oh yeah. 'Emily your mistress' but…"

He leaned in and kissed her. It was short and gentle. He really did want to talk this out but her nervous rambling explanation was too adorable to resist. He had spent too long as people two different people. The idea that someone wanted all of him, the good and the bad, was overwhelming. He tried to lean back but Emily held him in place with a hand on the back of the neck. She paused for a second then tipped her head back just enough to look up at him with a flirtatious smirk.

"Jack's away tonight?" She leaned into him again and placed a hard kiss on his neck.

"When we're done, Emily." He said gently pushing her back by her shoulders.

"Where was this control last week?" She leaned back against the couch with a little pout.

"This one is serious. And I can't believe it never came up before." He looked around the room nervously. He wasn't sure why this made him uncomfortable asking. "Birth control? I don't think I could handle an accident right now." Every time they had been together there were condoms involved but he needed to be sure they were covered. At another time he would get around to asking her why she had them in her go bag to start with.

"We weren't really in the mood for talking then were we?" She raised an eyebrow at him. He glared back. "Short of having my tubes tied, I'm on the most effective kind. And no need to worry about forgetting on a case. I've had an IUD for about four years now." He felt his body relax, she must have noticed because she was smiling at him. "And in case you are wondering I haven't slept with anyone but you since this started. Not that I was seeing anyone before. Clean bill of health too. In the name of honesty," she added holding up her hand. "Now will you kiss me?"

"I think I can manage more than that."

* * *

 **AN 1: Sorry, no accidental babies in my world. They're in their 40s and Emily made it through years of being a spy without any souvenirs, I figure her birth control would be more reliable and discreet than a pill.**

 **AN 2: Clearly I like this idea of Hotch continuing to make deals with her, it's kinda their thing.**


	12. When Did You Know (post lauren200)

"Enough about my secrets, let's talk about yours," the blonde asked with an eyebrow raised.

Emily's eyes narrowed. "I'd rather not talk about Doyle." She knew this would come up eventually, that one day she would have to explain her past and her deception to her friends. It was all too fresh to do this now.

"Oh Em, I wasn't talking about that. I don't need any explanations about what you did now or back then. But I'm here if you ever want to talk about it." JJ reached a hand out to comfort her friend. "What I was talking about was you and Hotch."

The brunette's eyes widened as she made her patented confused face; one that's half smile, half grimace. "I don't know what you're talking about. Why would you think Hotch and I have secrets?" Emily really didn't want to talk about him either.

"Oh please. Hotch didn't bring me into this just because of my state department contacts. He knew I would understand what's it's like to hide a relationship from the team." She chuckled then gave her friend a sympathetic look. "So how long has it been going on?"

If she was stuck on this plane with her for the next four hours she might as well get it out of the way. JJ could be relentless when she wanted someone to do something. It's was what made her good at her job. "On and off since you went on maternity leave." Emily looked away to hide the blush on her face.

"That long huh?" Emily nodded tentatively at her. "Ok so give me some details; just not the intimate kind." JJ had a devilish twinkle in her eyes.

"After Milwaukee we developed an understanding, tentative friendship. I could tell something was different after that hostage situation in that compound. Especially when he came to check on me when I got back from being checked out. He kissed me without explanation and then left right away. After that he was always by my side in the field but he wouldn't talk to me outside a case. Remember when we had the case in Atlanta where I had to flirt with that pickup artist?" Emily asked.

"I remember you telling about it. Viper the space cowboy wasn't it?"

She cringed at the memory. "Yeah, well Hotch really didn't like how he had taken a liking to me. He came to check on me that night, mumbling something about doing a good job. And before I knew it he kissed me and we were taking each other's clothes off."

"Mr. Calm and Collected couldn't help himself." JJ let out a chuckle.

"Guess not. From there we fell into a habit of meeting up after bad cases. We kept saying that this was the last time. That we shouldn't be doing it as we were in the process of doing it." She laughed feeling her cracked ribs. "Until Foyet attacked him. After that he wanted nothing to do with me. There was one brief moment where I made him smile. Then Haley died and I gave him space to grieve and take care of Jack. Then Mick came along."

"The sexy Brit? I remember him." JJ had a big grin on her face; she was clearly enjoying this story.

"Well Mr. Calm and Collected also has a jealous side." She paused at JJ's raised eyebrows. "Oh yeah. Didn't you ever wonder where I disappeared to after the bar? Hotch whisked me into an alley..."

"Did you have sex with our boss in an ALLEY?" JJ shouted. Her voice bounced around the small jet.

"Thank god this is an Interpol jet and not a Bureau one. I'm sure the pilot heard you." Emily shot a glare at JJ. It was quickly followed by smile. "He surely tried. I was present enough to wait until we got back to the hotel." Emily gave her friend a little grin knowing the lack of details would drive her crazy.

"I can't imagine Hotch out of a tie, so the idea that he would be that brazen is ridiculous," JJ snorted.

"It didn't get even close. There was however a very steamy make-out session in the alley," Emily said smugly.

"I know I'm going to regret this," JJ moaned, "but I have to know. Is he as controlling in bed as he is at work?"

"Glad to know I'm not the only one that thought about our boss in bed." Emily winced at the pain in her chest as she laughed.

"Hey!" JJ yelled as she threw her hands up. "I haven't thought about sleeping with him myself just what he would be like. With someone else…" she trailed off.

"Uhuh, keep telling yourself that." There was a hint of laughter in Emily's voice.

"I think after years of enduring office rumors because we both stayed late and he is supportive of women in the field I deserve at least that much. And you didn't answer my question. What is he like?" JJ refused to break eye contact with her friend.

"Ummm…" Emily hesitated, memories creeping into her mind. She tried to blink them away "Intense. I'll go with intense."

JJs face said that wasn't a good answer but she would let her off the hook. "So this was just sex? He seemed a little too distraught if you were just sleeping together Emily."

"No, it started that way, just burning off sexual tension. I think he thought he was cheating on Haley because he would go weeks without talking to me in between." Tears filled her eyes, she shakily continued. "But within the last year we both let our guards down. He would laugh, JJ. He wasn't so serious," she said, desperately trying to convey the deep connection they developed. "I opened up about things from my past; things with my mom, my abortion, I even told him about some of the girls I used to date. You know I don't tell guys about that. He told me a little about his past. We talked about what happened with Foyet and how Jack was doing without his mom." Emily took some deep breaths as a tear trailed down her face.

JJ just looked at her, letting her get it all out. "When did you know?"

"At the hospital. After Foyet. I was so scared that he wouldn't wake up," Emily's voice was shaking. She had to take a few breathes to calm herself. "But it wasn't until he was talking to Haley that I realized I wanted him to love me like that," she breathed out as a whispered. It was too hard to look at JJ any more and buried her head in her heads. Finally admitting to someone that she loved Hotch was leaving her even more vulnerable that she currently was. And Emily hated that feeling.

"No one is going to replace Haley but I think he loves you. He wouldn't be doing all this for anyone. Em, I saw him at your bedside. He was a wreck, the only other time I saw him this distraught was Haley and at the compound. If you didn't make it, after Haley, I think it would have killed him." Emily was shaking with tears now. JJ pulled her into her chest, one arm rubbing her back.

"When we found out you had this secret past, he didn't look shocked or mad like the rest of us. He just went into action. He kept telling us this was about 'saving Emily'. He tore into Easter to get information about you." She paused letting Emily absorb what she was saying. "Look, Morgan is so pissed at Doyle, he's going to find him. And we all know how Hotch gets when someone messes with his team. You'll be home before you know it."

"I'm just scared JJ. Of losing all of you. But what if he doesn't know that I love him?" Emily's eyes grew wide, a look of panic overtook her still bruised face. "What if I don't get a chance to tell him?"

"Honey, do you really think he doesn't know? It's Hotch, I'm sure he figured it out by now. It's kind of his job." JJ tried to get her to smile.

Emily took a calming breath. "I'm pretty sure he knew I was spy. He didn't come out and say it but he knew I was hiding something from him. He confronted me about it, right before I ran. He wanted to know if I was in danger and to promise him I would stay safe." Her chest tightened and she pulled back from the embrace. "Oh God! I let him down JJ!" Fresh tears had started to fall.

"Listen, we all love you. Dysfunctional as we are, we are a family. Ok? When we get you back, they'll forgive you for everything." JJ wrapped Emily's hands in hers. "We all do crazy things to protect our family. Morgan let Garcia use his ID to get into the server when she was being investigated. We all worked that case with Morgan on personal time. We did the same for Gideon. And Hotch should understand keeping secrets. He's done it for years with Haley. If he's mad at you, which I doubt he is, he's wrong. Don't think I won't tell him that."

Emily tried to calm herself down. Everything was hitting her at once. Emily let her head fall to JJ's shoulder. Her friend was right; Hotch went through a lot of trouble to hide her. The team was a family; they would continue to fight for her. She needed to be strong and trust them to take care of her, even if they didn't know what they were fighting for. A few moths traipsing through Europe would be nothing. Before she knew it she would be back with her loved ones. Because this wasn't goodbye.

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 **AN1: This is saved on my PC as 'Confessions. On a Plane' because well…it had to be**

 **AN 2: Hi new followers! Take a moment and leave a thought! I'd love to hear them!**

 **AN3: Also - anyone catching a theme?**

 **RMPCMFAN: I mean she had been waiting for a relationship to happen and it's Hotch. Would you want to wait if you were given the green light to jump his bones? OUTBURST024: There are a lot of reasons for them not to declare themselves yet but you'll see. And, personally, I think it would be ridiculous for them to have kids. I'm following canon to a point (obviously London happened) so trying for babies at 50 would be strange. But I am working on some future stuff and children may be involved in that. ;)**


	13. All to Yourself (Haunted)

He stared at his dining room while the sound of her last words echoed in his head. "He's not alone." Their meaning was not lost on him. She was reminding him that he had people around him to help him through this. That she was there to help him through this. He considered if he should take her offer. If it would be so bad to rely on someone else. But she wasn't just anyone, she was Emily. Hotch spun on his heel and ran to the door. He cursed under his breath at all the damn locks he put on it. When he finally got the door open he called down the hall.

"Emily!" He thought he spotted her brown hair swinging around the corner. "Emily!"

He wasn't sure what he would say if she was there. It wasn't that he wanted to open up what happened during the attack. There was no way anyone was finding out the details of that night. Getting passed the psych evaluation was easy and it wouldn't be the first time he rushed back to the field after an injury. He sure as hell wouldn't talk about missing Jack and Haley. Not to her. Not after the fight they got in when she took him to work for his first case back.

" _You didn't need to drive me. I was cleared for duty," Hotch said flatly without looking at Emily._

" _It's ok," Emily shrugged. "You are on my way and I wanted to see how you were doing."_

" _Prentiss, what do you want from me?" He gave her a sidelong glare._

 _In the month since his attack, Emily had checked on him every day. She didn't call or text but he knew it was her that forced Rossi and Reid to come over for dinner once a week. Garcia and JJ were helping around the house and bringing him basic groceries. Emily never came over but he could feel her influence. There would be a snack he had mentioned to her once in passing in with the healthy items or Reid would bring a book they had talked about. She was there, still inserting herself into his life, when all he wanted was to focus on getting Foyet._

" _I only want to make sure you know we are here for you, that you don't have to do this alone."_

" _This isn't your fight." His words had been short and tight._

" _Would you accept that answer from Morgan or Reid?" She glared in his direction before turning her attention back to the road. "I know you don't like to share and you pretend to separate work and your personal life. We both know that's not true. This team is a family, your family. Your fight is our fight. We all care about you, we care about getting Jack and Haley back."_

" _Like you really want Haley to come back," he scoffed._

" _Of course I do. Why wouldn't I want her and Jack to be home and safe?" He could hear the heart break in her voice. He was glad. He wanted to push her away. He didn't deserve her. His wife and child were out there somewhere because he couldn't keep them safe, he shouldn't be comforted. He shouldn't lay in his lover's arms while his family was in danger._

" _Because then you get me all to yourself," he spat._

 _Emily didn't say anything but her knuckles got whiter around the steering wheel. He could see her biting her cheek and shake her head slightly as if she was stopping herself from responding. He was a little impressed she controlled herself. Emily had quite the temper and a sharp tongue._

" _I don't have time to deal with you; this is my wife, the love of my life, and son out there. I can't waste time fooling around with you." It made his stomach churn to talk to her that way. Regardless of how she felt towards him, she wasn't doing anything wrong. He knew pushing her away like this would hurt her the most. It was low to play on all her insecurities this way. But it needed to be done. He had to make her leave him._ _He wished there was another way._

 _"I didn't know you had such a low opinion of me." It came out slow, measured and deadly cold.  
_

After that she refused to acknowledge him the rest of the drive. By the time they were on the case she went from anger to support. She was right by his side every step of the case. Every time he lashed out she calmly challenged him. The others were either tiptoeing around him or giving him a wide berth. Much like Reid he didn't like feeling weak and needing support from others.

Ever since Dallas and thing with her friend they had moved away from their original arraignment of just sex to something more. He wasn't sure what it was yet. It's not like they were going on dates or running around like love sick teenagers. There was some extra cuddling before one of them skittered out of the room and some flirty looks across the jet. The most telling change was he was feeling more protective over her and not just in the field.

As soon as he heard is family was set up and safe within witness protection his worry turned to Emily. He spent the long days of recovery wondering if Foyet knew about her too. He was expecting to get some taunting letter in the mail with Emily declared the next target. Knowing Emily had a stubborn and self sacrificing streak he worried she would do something to draw Foyet's attention to herself. It's why he couldn't say goodbye. She wouldn't let him go unless she made the decision hoped Emily would eventually forgive his harsh words and actions.

A part of him almost wanted that so it would take some heat off Jack and Haley. But the more rational part of him didn't want anyone else to suffer because of him. Foyet had already tried to mess with Morgan. The team had enough to deal with in their daily lives; they didn't need to be a target as well.

With everything she had been doing and the gentle way she spoke to him, he realized she loved him. Why else would she put up with him? He was a battered, broken man, not even worth her time and she was still pouring everything she had into helping him. He hadn't tried to sort out his feelings. There was something there but trying to define it left him feeling confused and vulnerable. And he didn't like either of those feelings. Especially now.

It had been easier to block out his feelings and just think of Emily as an object. It wasn't that he didn't respect her and her choice to do whatever she wanted in terms of partners. He could hardly fault her for this situation when he was a willing participant. But it prevented him from thinking about what this all meant. Sleeping with a co-worker, and worse, a subordinate, could prove deadly to his career. If it was just sex it would be easier to stay professional and lower the risk of getting caught.

He didn't like it. Emily deserved more than that, any woman did. She also deserved more than someone who was in love with another woman. A woman he no longer had any rights to. Sleeping with Emily had been a welcome distraction from the pain of losing his family. At times it also made it more acute by reminding him of what he lost. There were times when he had Emily curled at his side that everything felt right, like she belonged there. And it made feel conflicted that another woman could take the place of Haley.

Just a few months ago it felt like he and Emily were moving towards something. It scared him but it was the most he felt for someone besides Haley in a long time. He wasn't sure what they were going to do about it. But now the decision had been taken away from them. They would never know what they could have been.

Hotch shook the thoughts from his head. No point of wondering about it now. He made his way to his bar and poured three fingers of scotch. With a sigh he sat on the couch. After a few greedy gulps he opened the file that found a permanent home on his coffee table and got to work.

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 **AN: Thanks for the comments! It was really fun to write the last chapter, especially JJ being so interested in what being with Hotch was like.**


	14. You Make me Happy (Epilogue)

**AN: REMINDER - the story is being told out of order. Look for the episode titles in parenthesis to help you make sense of the time. Emily's POV is chronological & Hotch is reverse with them overlapping around Lauren. I try to give enough info to clue you in as to what season each one is set.**

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Right at seven she heard the buzzer letting her know Hotch was there. "Come on up. I'm almost ready," she called into the intercom. She fastened her earrings, double checked her bag and slipped on her heels. Just as she was filling Sergio's bowl, she heard the knock. Through the peephole she saw a grin and mischievous eyes.

"Hello handsome." She stepped back for him to enter.

"You look great." He placed a kiss on her cheek and pulled a bouquet of tulips from behind his back.

"These are lovely. How did you know?" She walked further into her apartment towards the kitchen, back turned towards him. "I'll take that eyebrow raise you just did as you just do. Let me put these in water and we can go."

"How did you…" he started in disbelief.

"Know? I just do. You're not the only one who is good at their job." She gave him a wicked grin over her shoulder as she placed the vase on the counter. The warmth of his chest enveloped her back. She gave a little moan at the pressure of his lips on her neck.

"I really like this dress on you." Emily hummed her acknowledgement of the compliment. It was a simple black wrap dress but it hugged in the right places, giving Hotch's imagination fuel to run wild about what lies beneath. "I can't wait to get it off of you."

Emily spun in his arms to face him. "Who knew Aaron Hotchner had _that_ in him?" He bent down to kiss her again. It quickly turned from playful to passionate. Emily felt his hands wander down her backside. She broke the kiss before his hands could get under the material at the back of her thighs. "Don't we have a dinner reservations?"

In between open kisses on her neck he murmured, "They can wait."

She chuckled. "I thought we were supposed to get out of the house for once?"

He groaned as he pulled away from her. "You're right. Shall we?"

This would be there first time going out in public on a date. Most of their encounters consisted of hasty sex on the road or takeout at someone's apartment. Emily kept telling herself to be excited about this. Her and Hotch out in the open, able to hold hands, kiss, being a real couple. It was everything Emily has wanted for years. She was a bundle of nerves.

They ended up at a discrete little Italian place she was sure Rossi suggested to him. It was nice without being pretentious. It was something the enjoyed about the other; they could appreciate the finer things without making a big show of it. They managed to get through dinner without work coming up at all. They talked about Jack, Emily's favorite places in Paris, how much Hotch and Sergio don't get along. It a pretty perfect evening as far as dates could go.

He took her hand across the table, rubbing his thumb across hers. "Emily, I want this to be real." She could feel the intensity radiating from his gaze. "I don't want to keep sneaking around like we're doing something wrong. I want you to be around for a long time."

Emily froze, her chest tightened.

"Ok, so that's not the response I was hoping for." She realized her mouth was hanging open and she had ripped her hand away. She tried to compose herself as he continued. "I know you just got back and are still settling in. And this would be a big change and we would have to talk to Strauss. But when you're ready, I want to be a real couple. "

"I don't…Oh Hotch. I'm not…" Emily just stammered. "I don't know if I can."

"I'm not suggesting anything drastic like getting married or even moving in together. But I would like to be able to tell people how crazy I am about you." He was calmly smiling at her. She could see the hopefulness in his eyes. "We can take our time, but I think Jack is going to figure me out soon. I know Jessica already thinks I'm dumping him on her to sleep around." She could tell he was trying to make her laugh, to diffuse the seriousness of the conversation he started.

"I mean I don't know if I can stay here." It was out of her mouth before she realized it to be true. Tears were forming in her eyes; her breath was shallow and shaky. "I love being back with the team and in your arms again, but the District doesn't feel like home anymore."

She had been back in D.C. for a few months now but couldn't get settled. Something just felt off. There was nothing specific she could put her finger on, just this odd feeling. None of her favorite places brought her comfort anymore. She tried to spend time getting lost in books at the library or running in her favorite park but she felt out of place. It was a disturbing pattern she was starting to notice.

It wasn't as if she had a lot of time to think about it. The other members of the team were keeping her busy. After hours of kicking her butt in gym Morgan was finally ok with her in the field. Reid was starting to warm up to JJ again and Garcia was planning girls nights out every weekend. It felt great to be back with Hotch again. Everything seemed to be going well on the surface of her relationships. Even her nightmares were subsiding.

He reached for her again. "Hey," he murmured. "Hey. It's alright. You've been through a lot. I don't want to push. I'll have to get Jack a different surprise now though." He gave Emily a warm smile, which quickly faded when he saw Emily's face. He silently motioned for the check before continuing. "Whatever you need I'm here. We don't have to do this now. We have time."

"No Hotch!" Her volume attracted looks from nearby tables. "You don't understand," she said a little quieter. "I've wanted this for so long but now," she sighed, "I don't know."

"How long have you been feeling this way?" He was calm and sympathetic; giving her the same look he uses with victims.

"I think ever since I got here. When I first got back I had so much to distract me; the censure, finding a new place, making up with everyone again, that I didn't notice this hole right away." It all came out a whisper. She could barely look at him. "I'm so sorry. We can't do this. It's not fair to you."

"Wait, Emily, are you saying this relationship is over?" His eyes searched hers like he was willing them to tell him what she was thinking. She quickly looked away. Emotions and thoughts were swirling in a jumbled behind her eyes. This wasn't how she imagined this night going. She never thought she would be saying good bye to him again so soon.

"I don't want to. I've been waiting for this for so long but I think I've changed. I know your life is here, Jack is here. I couldn't ask you to leave with me." She kept her head down, trying to hold back tears.

"Are you willing to wait a little longer? To see if more time will help." His voice was so soft and gentle. "You know I would do anything for you even if that meant waiting until you get sorted out." She could tell he didn't want to lose her either.

She couldn't think straight. The only things she noticed was the blood rushing in her ears and the sadness in his eyes. Cold metal on her legs brought her back. Somehow they left the restaurant and made it to a park bench without her realizing. He had her wrapped in his arms, his lips muttering her name against her hair like he was willing her to speak. "You have given up so much already. For this job, for Jack, for me. You deserve to be happy."

"You make me happy." He was begging now. And the wetness of his eyes couldn't be hidden.

"Aaron, I can't." She heard his breath catch when she said his name. "I can't even make myself happy right now. Being the cause of your pain would hurt me more." She avoided his eyes, afraid she would lose her resolve. Instead she focused on picking her nails.

After what felt like hours he finally spoke. "I have a deal for you." She almost laughed. He loved making deals with her; a relic from his days as a prosecutor. "First you need to look at me." Reluctantly she lifted her head to his shining brown eyes. Maybe if she stared deep enough she'd find the answer. "Give it another eight months, a full year. I will give you all the space you need. No pressure to stay, nothing more than friends and colleagues. If you still want to leave, I'll support you. If you stay…" He took a deep breath. "You are all mine." He pulled her into his chest and kissed her forehead.

"Ok, but I want to add one thing. You can date other people." She looked back up to his eyes seeing the confusion, cupping a hand on his cheek. "You owe me nothing. I don't want you pining for me. Allow yourself to be happy. I'm willing to try this but I can promise to make it a full year."

"Ok, it's a deal. But after tonight. I want one more night with you."

"Deal." She leaned in to kiss him. If she only had one more night she was going to make it count.

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 **Guest & Outburst: At least he was only being an ass to protect her. 'In the Name of Honesty' told us she knew what he was doing. There might be a scene where he makes it up to her in "Moments in Time" ;)**


	15. It's Nothing (Road Kill)

**IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE.**

* * *

Hotch dropped his forehead against his hotel door with a sigh. His body pulsated with conflicting emotions; a combination of guilt and desire. He tried to take slow breathes to calm his racing heart. He needed to get control of himself. And his life. This thing with Emily was getting ridiculous.

He found himself in a similar position about twice a month over the last eight months. Head against the door, heart pounding, no clue what the hell was going on. Every other time it was trying to come to terms with the fact that he was sleeping with his subordinate. Now it was trying to figure out if that was becoming something more.

It started because of attraction and physical need but he soon found the best cure for the tension and horrors of the case was a night with Emily. When he was with her he couldn't focus on anything else. The way she moved beneath him, the sounds coming from her mouth, the softness of her skin took all his attention. Then there was the mind clearing bliss of feeling Emily flutter and clench around him driving him over the edge.

Up until tonight they had kept their rendezvous to the point. They never talked beyond what was necessary. And even then it was breathy moans of the other's name, cries to God, a litany of swears from Hotch, and a stream of Emily's filthiest desires. There was no tenderness, no superfluous comforts, nothing beyond sex. But tonight had been different.

He wasn't even sure what she said. It was some wise crack about the detective when he asked his cover question about a file. It was pithy and sarcastic; classic Emily. What he did remember was the very self-pleased snort and then how she immediately looked shocked that she said it out loud. Emily blushed when she heard Hotch chuckle. Hotch stared at her face colored with a mixture of embarrassment and pride. It was adorable to see her flustered like that. She was always so collected and sure of herself.

Hotch took two slow steps to close the distance while never breaking eye contact. He cupped her jaw with a large hand, running his thumb along her cheek. His free arm tugged her in close, pressing her curves against his hard lines. The embarrassment in Emily's eyes shifted to shock then desire as she smiled up at him. The kiss was slow, tentative even, as he slid his hand back towards her neck. They stayed locked in that kiss exploring each other until Emily's knee's gave out.

Then he made love to her. It wasn't any less intense than their previous encounters but there was no urgency this time. They took it slow, relishing in the touch and feel of each other. He already knew the right amount of pressure to use as to not over stimulate the sensitive skin on her nipples and the exact spot on her neck to run his tongue along to make her breath hitch. He used everything he had filed away over the last eight months to bring her to the edge and back. And back again.

Hotch shook the thoughts of ravishing Emily from his mind as he pulled himself off the door and made his way to the mini bar. It wasn't normally like him to drink immediately after closing a case. He cursed Rossi for bringing out his bad habits. After downing his scotch he striped his suit off and crawled into bed willing sleep to come.

But he couldn't stop thinking about what it meant and what he was supposed to do next.

He wasn't sure if Emily got anything more than release. Or if she even wanted more. She seemed okay with the idea of this being just sex. Every time he would show up at her door, with some lame case related question as an excuse, she would be waiting to tear his clothes off as he made half hearted attempts to protest, to which she would respond by whispering something dirty in his ear. They would fuck and lay next to each other for a few minutes. When he left it would be with a, once again half hearted, claim of it being a mistake. And it was followed by ignoring her all the way back to Quantico. She never tried to stop him or confront him about it later. They would work side by side in the field, effortlessly bouncing ideas off each other like nothing ever happened.

He had no experience in the area of casual sex. Or having relationships. He had only been with Haley on both accounts. It felt wrong to use Emily this way, like she was just an object for his pleasure. It even felt wrong the few times he and Haley tumbled into bed during the separation. He was built to be a family man, to have one woman he cherished, so to love and leave someone sat wrong with him.

After tossing and turning for hours Hotch decided on an early morning run to clear his head. He wanted to focus on nothing but his breathing and the blood pounding in his ears for a while. After forty five minutes in the hotel gym pounding on the treadmill he wanted to give in to his physical exhaustion and made his way back to his room. Right as he was about to slide in his key card a voice startled him.

"You better be damn sure you know what you want from her."

Of course Rossi knew how he was feeling. Dave always had been better at reading him than anyone else. And after being up all night, as well as extremely conflicted, it was no wonder his emotions were written all over his face. Barely able to coherently gather his thoughts internally let alone put voice to them, Hotch's only response was to furrow his brow.

"If you screw up this team, so help me Aaron, I will help Strauss kick you out of the Bureau." He wasn't used to Dave being so blunt. He spoke in layers of code and often came at things from obtuse angles.

Hotch hadn't thought much about how it would effect that team. It hadn't so far and he was too baffled by the fact that she was even sleeping with him in the first place to worry about the Bureau or team dynamics.

But the dynamics had already shifted. He had just been ignoring the signs. Like how he found himself thinking of Emily, not Prentiss, at the office. And how he would get flares of molten rage in his stomach when she would flirt with Morgan or when JJ and Garcia would ask her about her dating life. After revealing their vulnerabilities to each other in Dallas and that case with the priest, he had been fighting back the urge to share with her those things he ever did with anyone else.

Emily though had shown no signs that things were more than what they were. Yes, she had offered support when no one else had, but she was a compassionate person. Emily would have done the same for anyone on the team. She could have any man she wanted, when she decided to settle down, and there was no way Hotch would even be considered. He was fairly certain that Emily was not interested in a typical domestic lifestyle and that's what he was. She could have used her connections and skills to be anywhere else, but her she was trudging through the worst humanity had to offer and excelling.

"She doesn't want anything else I have to offer so it doesn't matter any way," he stated flatly training his face in an expression to match.

He wasn't sure what would be worse losing the BAU or having another woman reject him. He would prefer to stay celibate rather than find out. Even on the off chance Emily wanted to start something more with a forty something workaholic divorcee he had no clue how to get from here to there. And he would probably screw it up, just like he had with Haley, by continuing to put the job first. And it wouldn't just be his heart and the team on the line; it would be Emily's career and reputation. He couldn't do that to her.

Dave looked him over, head to toe, with a raised eyebrow. Hotch didn't need the words to understand what Dave was implying. Apparently he needed to give himself more credit.

"Don't worry Dave, it was nothing," Hotch said with a shake of his head.

It wasn't nothing. Being with Emily, and the promise of more, was everything. Emily made him want things he never considered before. And that terrified him a little. Why the hell did he ever think he could have her and walk away? That he could say goodbye to something that satisfying and addicting? Now that it happened, he only wanted to be in, on, under or behind, never over, her. But he knew he needed to let it go.

"If word gets out I will categorically deny that I tried to talk someone out of sex," Dave said as he let his hotel room door click shut behind him.

Hotch finally let himself into is room with a sigh. He stripped off the workout gear and climbed in the shower mindlessly. Hotch realized as he stood I the crashing water that he would need to continue everything just as it was. His habits of distancing himself from the team, of having laser focus on the task in front of him, of being beyond reproach, would need to in full force to prevent him from doing something stupid. Like a repeat of tonight.

* * *

 **AN: This took forever to write. I knew what I wanted it to convey but getting it out was a challenge. Add in PC problems, a busy week plus ideas for other pieces and here we are almost 2 weeks late. Good news is the other chapters are written, just need some editing.**

 **AN2: The last chapter was not an epilogue, it's t set before/after/during the season 7 episode entitled epilogue.**


	16. Happy Here With Me (Run)

There was a knot in Emily's stomach. She had been dreading this conversation with for days. She had been thinking about leaving for a few months now. But in the last forty eight hours it had become real. Clyde offered her a job away from the BAU. Far away; London far. It didn't help that Hotch had called her out on it and wanted to talk it over.

She slid into the booth and perused the menu. Training her eyes on the breakfast specials, she tried to focus on the words and not the thoughts running through her mind. She felt his presence before she saw him. Even though he was wearing jeans and a polo, he still looked imposing. She could see why Beth had no problem pegging him as an FBI agent. His face lit up as he saw her and the knot got a little tighter. He gave a nod in her direction as he made his way over.

"Sorry, Jack was refusing to leave his fort. He can be a very skilled negotiator." He leaned down to kiss her cheek.

She could feel the blush creep across her face at such an intimate gesture. One they hadn't shared in a while. Hoping her voice didn't betray her nerves, she quietly spoke. "Wonder where he got that from."

As they waited for their meals to come they attempted to process what had happened in the last two days. They concluded that even though work was crazy they were lucky to have wonderful people in their lives. The types that do crazy things like throw surprise weddings and can make them forget that they almost blew up the day before. Hotch mentioned how great it was seeing everyone smiling and dancing with each other. Emily felt her throat get tight at the thought of being in his arms last night. Hotch must have noticed it too but thankfully Emily was saved by the arrival of her pancakes. When their food was mostly gone they turned the conversation to her.

"So when are you leaving?" He got right to the point. Letting out a disbelieving huff, she gave him an eye roll. She was both grateful and embarrassed that he knew her so well.

"I haven't said yes." She said it with a little more confidence than she was feeling.

"But you will." It wasn't a question, just a statement of facts. "You have plenty of experience and knowledge; Saturday showed that. You are capable of running an office."

"I don't know that I want to." She couldn't look at him. If she did he would know everything with one look. It would be that much harder to leave if he did.

"Catching bad guys is who you are Emily. Trust me; it's not something you can walk away from"

 _But love is_ , she thought, _we're both good at that_. She sat watching the spoon she was swirling in her coffee. She didn't know how to explain what she was feeling. There was longing, disappointment, sadness and a hint of regret. The warmth of his large hand covered her free one.

"We will always be a team, a family. If you think Garcia is letting you out of her life that easily…"

"I don't know why this isn't enough." She brushed a tear from her eye and shook her head. "I love this work and our team but I just can't be her anymore. I tried. I tried so hard. It's like part of me really died when you sent me a way." There were more things she wanted to say but felt that she forfeited those rights when told him to walk away from her. She couldn't ask for him to come back to her, she wanted to so badly. But she knew missing him was only part of it her uneasiness. "I just can't shake Doyle, the worry, the nightmares. How did you do it? I know it's been a while since Foyet but how did you move on?"

"I had to for Jack. But it took a long time. The nightmares are still there, just less frequent. I actually had some help with it." He gave her a small smile. She knew he meant her. "Maybe I am just better at hiding it than you. I still can't believe you were a spy, you have a terrible poker face." He gave her a cautious smile, hoping she would give one in return. She shook her head and blinked back tears. "You will get better, this will always be something you went through, but it won't define you." He took a deep breath. "I am so sorry, Emily. I didn't mean to hurt you." She knew he meant more than faking her death. He looked down; giving his head a little shake, like he was putting is thoughts in their proper place then he pursed his lips ever so slightly.

It was his tell.

She almost wanted to smile. It just made her cry more that she was giving him up so soon after getting him back.

He sharply inhaled as he set his face back into a neutral expression. "I hope you know how much we will miss you, me especially. I would not be here if it wasn't for you. Your support got me through hard times. You helped me heal." She almost swore she saw his eyes glistening as well.

They sat in silence drinking their coffee until Emily's tears had dried. "I promised you I would support whatever decision you made. You know I don't want to see you go." She could tell he was holding something back. Like he wanted to ask her to stay. She was afraid her resolve would fail if he did. "But I'll need a formal resignation soon. It's going to take a while to find a new team member who can resemble your skills."

Part of her was relieved that he didn't say it. It would have broken her heart to tell him she couldn't be with him again. Her heart still ached though for what she was leaving behind. She would be on her own in London and he would be comforted in another woman's arms.

Emily gathered her courage and straightened her spine. "Do you love her?" It came out fast and barely audible.

The look on his face told her he had heard her anyway. "What did you ask?"

"I need to know if you love her."

"Would you stay if I said no? If I said I would leave her today and be with you would that change your mind?" His face went tight and voice got hard. He stared Emily down, willing her to answer. When she buried her head in her hands he spoke again, this time a little softer. "You know I would do that if it would help. I would beg you on my knees if I thought that would work."

Emily still hadn't looked at him; she was ashamed of her selfishness. She wanted to hear him say it.

"Do you know how hard it has been to sit here and not ask you to stay?" Her shoulders shook with silent sobs. "I've been telling myself that you're already gone to try and make this easier. I don't know if it is love but it could be. She makes me smile. Her job keeps her busy evenings and weekends so she understands the hours. And Jack likes her." She could tell he was trying not to lose it. "It would never be a love like with Haley. She'll never understand like you do. But I could be happy with her."

"Then do it." She was trying to her best to be strong. It wasn't that she didn't believe what she was going to say, it was that she knew it was going to be the hardest thing she's done. "I'll go to London and find a new life. One that doesn't remind me of all the things I've failed at, all the things that beat me down. And you should be happy. If I can't be here for that, you should be with someone who can."

"Oh, Emily. I just want you to be happy too. And right now you are not happy here with me"

Emily was ready for this conversation to be over, she couldn't keep herself together anymore. Not that she had been doing a great job of that so far. She gathered her purse and stood. Hotch blocked her path and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Just remember how strong you are. Yes, this past year has knocked you around but you're still standing." He wrapped his arms around her and she reflexively put her head on his shoulder, inhaling his familiar scent of fresh soap and vetiver. "I'll always be here for you," he whispered into her hair.

Emily couldn't respond, the goodbye stuck in her throat. She broke free, tears falling free again, and headed for the door without looking back.

* * *

 **AN1: Just a few more chapters left! I have a list of things to add to Moments in Time.  
**


	17. Why? I'm Not (Minimal Loss)

"Hotch… Hotch! You got to stop man!"

He stopped and turned toward the sound. Morgan was yelling his name. He looked at his feet. He had moved towards the compound without realizing it.

"Do you hear that? She can take it," Dave said quickly. "She's telling us she's alright." He gave Hotch a pleading look. "If we go in now, we put them all at risk."

After a deep breath, he considered what Dave was saying. Emily was strong and they would risk at lot of innocent lives if they barged in now. He silently thanked Dave for being so calm. This was the second time he prevented him from making a mistake in as many hours. He got his head back in game and focused on getting both agents out. Reid was still functional according to Dave's last assessment. He would do whatever he needed to get on Cyrus's good side. Another silent thanks was said, this time for Reid being there, he works well under pressure.

He realized he wasn't thinking straight. There was no way he could go in on the raid. There were too many emotions coursing through him. He was furious with the state Attorney General. Then there was the reporter who called before the raid and now the idiot in the state office who leaked that the FBI was involved. He was used to local agencies not understanding the behavioral side of investigations, but he had never been this angry with someone's ignorance. This time it put agents' lives on the line. Agents he was responsible for.

And in the last year he had not done a good job protecting them. It was only six weeks ago that they almost blew up and lost Kate. Reid was doing better but he had suffered so much in the last year he didn't know if the young doctor could take anymore. Prentiss was an extremely capable agent with the ability to think on her feet but he sometimes worried about how she related to cases. In the year since Milwaukee they had developed a friendship, one that he was now realizing was essential to his happiness. He couldn't say goodbye to one of the few good things in his life.

He waited just outside the main cluster of buildings as people were coming out of the tunnel. He needed to see for himself that she was safe. There were other things he could be doing, like coordinating medical services, helping JJ craft press releases or updating HQ on the progress. Instead he mindlessly shepherded people away from the building while scanning for Emily. When she finally appeared he froze. He took in the blood stains and bruises as his anger welled up again. There was an intense need to touch her to make sure she was safe and whole.

He watched as she called for Reid then collapsed in his arms when he appeared from the rubble. Hotch tried to stay on the periphery, making sure she was ok but not getting too close. As much as he wanted to wrap her in his arms, he knew one touch and he would lose it. After greeting everyone else and they had made sure the scene was secure, she finally approached him.

"I did what I had to Hotch, I would do it again," she was watching him intently; he tried not to give anything away but the worry must have been etched on his face. "Can we just go home now? I'm fine."

"I expected to hear nothing less but you need to be checked out first." He walked her back towards the ambulance, a hand hovering over her lower back. Hotch waited with her to make sure she didn't give the tech too much trouble. She really could be stubborn, it worried him that he thought it was cute. She reluctantly let them take her blood pressure and put gauze over her wounds. The entire time she was throwing glares at Hotch and sucking at her teeth.

"We got the superficial wounds take care of but to be safe you really should get a CT Ma'am."

"I'm fine," she growled at the tech.

"Prentiss. Go." Hotch was not taking no for an answer. "Do I need to have Reid give you concussion stats?" He tried not to smile too much at the eye roll she gave him as she winced.

"OK, but we are leaving as soon as I'm done."

Back in his hotel room later than that night Hotch tried to get a head start on paper work. He found his mind wondering to on how often Emily found herself in danger. He realized he wasn't just angry or concerned for his agents, but concerned for Emily. Not Agent Prentiss, Emily. He was concerned he would never see her smile or expressive face again. He could picture the twinkle in her eye when she smirked. Her creamy skin, the hint of cleavage from her scoop neck tops. The feeling of tightness in his pants brought him out of those thoughts. She is a subordinate, this was inappropriate.

He tried to push the thoughts away as he filled in forms and looked over consults. But they kept coming back. He spent too many weeks, months even if he was really honest with himself, fighting his attraction to Emily. He wrote it off as being a healthy male. He was bound to notice attractive woman. There were times when he was exhausted and spent too many days away from his wife when he found find himself appreciating the curve of JJ's ass in skirt or his eyes lingering on Elle's holster in a way a boss never should. But he could shake it off. The same way he shook off how Joyner was a polished, high end version of Haley. One that made it clear plenty of times that she was his for the taking. There was no shaking off Emily Prentiss though.

He tipped his head back against the headboard and let out a groan. He needed to get it together. He decided to get some ice for his scotch. As he came back down the hall with the bucket he saw Rossi.

"I'm surprised you are back so soon. Did she actually cooperate with them?" He tried to cover his concern with a joke.

"Only one direct threat and about three veiled ones. She's fine. All the CT scan found was her stubborn streak," Rossi chuckled.

"That couldn't have been that hard to find." He noticed his friend raise his eyebrows, impressed that he made a joke.

"I made sure she was settled in but she might need some of that ice," Rossi winked at Hotch as he unlocked his room door. Hotch tried to ignore the unspoken implications in Rossi's comment.

Hotch's feet took him to Emily's door. His hands immediately reached out to her as soon as the door opened. Any halfhearted attempts to cover his intentions for being there were lost at the sight of her bruised body. Emily froze under his touch. Neck, shoulders, down the curve of her torso, skimming over the tank and boy shorts she was wearing. His hands searched every inch of her looking for injuries. Making sure she was alright.

"Hotch, I'm ok." He didn't respond, too focused on his task. She tried again. "No serious injuries, a few bruised ribs and some cuts." Once he was satisfied she wasn't seriously injured, he brought a hand to her neck to capture her in a kiss.

Hotch vaguely heard the door click closed and felt the coolness against his palms as he pushed Emily against the wall. All he could focus on was the soft pillows of Emily's lips beneath his and the heat of her skin. He wasn't sure who was more surprised at the kiss, her or the man who started it. He pulled away, opening his mouth to say something when she pulled him back in, intent on exploring his mouth. When he finally got over the shock he tightened the grip on her waist. She broke the spell, separating only enough to move her lips to his neck.

"Emily." He pulled his hands away and shuffled his feet back a few inches.

"Mmm," she moaned as she registered the use of her name. He had never said that before. "Hotch," she whined once she realized he had backed away.

"I'm sorry, we shouldn't do this. I…I… don't know what came over me." He ran a hand through his hair, setting his face back to its normal grimace. "I'm sorry. I should go." He started for the door.

"What if I don't want you too?" she asked in a husky voice that had him reconsidering.

"I'm your boss. My actions were inappropriate." He furrowed his brows as he looked her over, waiting for her to say something. He walked somberly to her door. Over his shoulder he called "Again, Emily, I'm sorry."

She said nothing, just a slight grin on her face. Just before the door closed she called "Why? I'm not."

He sat at the desk again, trying to let the paper work take his mind off Emily. Images of Emily in that skimpy tank kept popping into his mind alternating with this nagging feeling of guilt. Guilt that he's thinking sexual thoughts about a team member and guilt over thinking about anyone other than Haley. He reminded himself that Haley left him, that things we over a while ago and that she made it clear she wasn't going to take him back after he chose the team over their family. Giving up on the paper work he decided to take a shower and go to bed.

No matter how hard he tried to let the water wash it away, he just couldn't get the thoughts of Emily from his mind. He decided that maybe, just for tonight, he would give in to them.


	18. And I Will Fight For You (Tribute)

"God damn it Aaron! What do you want from me?" She has never been this angry. He knew how serious she was. She never called him Aaron. Even in the middle of their most intimate moments he was still Hotch.

"I want you to quit running from me. From us. I want you to come home." His arms dropped to his side as he moved towards her spot in the kitchen.

"Why now? You let me walk away before." She thought of all their past goodbyes, the ones where he said 'go' and 'I understand', all the ones that ended in fights and tears. She always wondered what the good in goodbye was. Theirs were always messy; unspoken words, hidden meanings, regret.

"I was giving you the space you needed Emily. You asked for time."

"And you moved right on to Beth." She glared at him and pushed passed him into the living room. He would never admit it but her glare was a little scary.

"Beth doesn't matter," he muttered. This wasn't quite the truth. Beth had a significance of her own; more as the first attempt to openly date someone with a son. But when he compared the relationship he had with Beth to what he could have with Emily, she didn't stand a chance.

"You were with her for three years! That matters to me." She dropped to the couch with a huff.

He took a deep breath trying to stay calm and followed her into the living room. "You told me to move on. When I first told you about her you said to go for it. You thought she was stalking me," he tried to get her to smile at the memory, "but you said not to wait for you, to go be happy. So that's what I did. I didn't want to at first." He stared at her from across the room waiting for her to do or say something. "Being with Beth was a distraction. A way to ignore what was going on with us. She was easy."

Emily let out a snort and whispered, "Easy, yeah that's right." He didn't let it derail his train of thought.

"I wasn't worried about putting her in danger, there was no hidden background to haunt us, and she wasn't guarding secrets." He took a few steps towards her. "You know that if we kept sneaking around the team and Jack we were risking our careers and you needed a fresh start. We were not ready to go back to what we were Emily." He gave her a pleading look. "I've asked before but I'll keep asking. Won't you come home?"

"To work for you again? You want me to give up my team and all the progress I made there?" She was up on her feet pacing around the living room now. She knew that's not what he meant; he would never ask her to give up her career. It was why she stayed at the BAU as long as she did. But it was easiest reason to give to not come back.

"You could transfer offices?" he asked. It was almost a plea.

"I have a life there now," she huffed. "A house, friends. I even have a boyfriend there."

She could see the anger rise in him. His whole body stiffened and his eyes narrowed to match the line his lips made across his face. Instinctively, she took two steps back. It was a posture she had seen many times before. He usually saved "Alpha Hotch" for particularly challenging UnSubs. It was unnerving to witness but horrible to be on the receiving end.

"He sure as hell didn't seem to be a concern last night. Or this morning," he spat. How dare she use that against him when he made it clear that he would have gladly given up Beth to have her back.

The tears started pricking at her eyes. This was too much. She hated this feeling of letting everyone down. Her feet moved quickly under her. Halfway to the door she felt something whip her around.

"Emily, I'm not letting you walk away. Not this time." He released her wrist and softened his shoulders but moved to block the door. "I made that mistake too many times with us already. I love you and I will fight for you." He was tired of doing the supportive thing. She was afraid to risk getting her heart broken. He knew that even if she would never admit it on her own.

Her breath caught. Eight years. Eight years of ups and downs and he finally said the words. The ones she didn't know she had been waiting for. That he really wanted this; that he was going to fight and not give her space to walk away. They were both so stubborn and self sacrificing that they kept trying to get out of each other's way. And that only left them both wanting. She was tired of feeling like she was holding back the man she loved.

He could sense her softening towards him. "I know you weren't expecting this when we went to dinner last night. But can we discuss this?"

"I don't know if I can come back," she whispered curling into herself.

"I think we can convince Easter to give you whatever you want," he said with a raised an eyebrow and a slight smile. He was hopeful that she was considering it.

"You know he isn't scared of you right?" There was hint of a smile on her face. Hotch just shrugged his shoulders. "It's not just that. I left because D.C. wasn't home and I wasn't the same person."

"I am not the same person either Emily." He had been through so much in the last four years as well. The surgery, Beth and Peter Lewis all left him with doubts about a lot of aspects of his life. The one thing that he remained certain of was Emily. "D.C., New York, L.A. I don't care where you are. Hell, stay in London. Just be with me." He had a hold of her hands and pulled them to his chest. He had given up any shred of dignity. He didn't care that he was begging her. He needed her to stay.

"Oh Aaron. I love you and I love that you want to make this work. But..." She couldn't look at him. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back. This felt too fast. She had spent four years trying to move on. She was almost there. Emily was flourishing at Interpol, London was starting to feel comfortable, it wouldn't be home but it would do, and she finally started a relationship. To have the chance of a real relationship with the man she wanted for years was almost too much. If this didn't work out, it would shatter her.

"You know," he said wrapping his arms around her, "I love hearing you say that."

"Your name? I thought you didn't care about that." He was resting his forehead against hers, staring into her eyes.

"I don't." He leaned in to kiss her neck. "I meant that you love me. You've never told me that you love me." In all their time together the only time either of them said it out loud the other was lying unconscious in a hospital bed. At first it felt like they were moving too fast to say it and then she came back from the dead and it felt like they would be committing the other to something they couldn't guarantee.

Emily enjoyed the warmth of his lips and let out a sigh. "I thought we didn't need words," she teased thinking back to their night in Paris.

"We don't." They really didn't. They said 'I love you' by destroying themselves to save each other. "But it's nice to hear the words from time to time."

"Back on topic, mister. You can't kiss your way out of this." She gently pushed him back and tried not to laugh at the sad eyes he was giving her. "I don't know how we can make this work."

"Whatever we need to do we will. We have to at least try. Deal?" He had a big grin on his face.

She couldn't contain the laughter this time; him and his deals. "I can't promise you anything. Can we talk strategy and logistics first? Even if I'm stateside we would hardly see each other. How will that be different than it is now? What about Jack if this doesn't work out? Garcia will kill me when she finds out that I've been lying to her for two years. I'm sure Dave and Morgan will throw you a party, but I'm dead." She was rattling off questions and concerns, trying to focus as he nibbled on her neck and ears.

"Breathe." He lifted her chin to meet her eyes. "We will take it one thing at a time." He led her back to the couch where she sat down in a daze. "It will be different because we can call and text about how our days are and not just when we need your help. Believe it or not, I'm pretty good at texting and Skype. As for Jack, I've realized that Jack is much stronger and smarter than I've given him credit for. He knows I love him and Haley will always be his mom. Plus he likes you. As for the team, they should be happy for us that we are finally trying. Like you said they figured us out long ago. If they haven't then I need to replace them," he finished with a chuckle. He pulled her against his chest, settling his chin on her shoulder and his arm around her waist. "Emily, I really want to do this. Not just fooling around when you're in town, but the whole thing."

She sighed as she considered it. There were a lot of things they had buried and needed to be discussed. And they wouldn't have a lot of time together to open up to each other again. It took Emily months to share with Mark and they saw each other daily. And he still didn't know much about her. But this was Hotch. They had been through so much. He knew most of her secrets. The ones she didn't tell him, he had figured out on his own. And he had always been supportive and understanding no matter what she told him. He hummed happily in her ear has he ran fingers through her hair. Emily thought she could get used to that kind of attention.

"You know I still have to get on that plane tonight?" she asked quietly.

"I know. But I'm hoping you'll keep coming back to me, to us." He placed a kiss on her hair.

"I really hate goodbyes," Emily sighed as she turned took look at him. She pulled her legs over his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Ours haven't always been so pleasant."

"If you keep coming back, we won't have to say goodbye anymore. It can be 'see you later' instead." Emily shot him a glare at the corny line but he just smiled right back. "Or we could focus on creating a good one while we still have time," he winked at her. "Jack won't be home for a few more hours."

"That's a deal I can make."

They both new that they had more to work out, that the conversation about how to make this work wouldn't ever really be over, but for now all thoughts and fears of logistics were pushed out of their minds by the simple pleasure that was holding the one they love.


	19. Not My London (The Crimson King)

The decision to move home wasn't one she consciously made. And if she really thought about their relationship over the years she could count the conscious decisions on one hand. It had been at the end on a weekend visit. Only the third one they could squeeze in during the nine months they were together.

At this point she thought he would call it quits, that maybe they would go back to a no commitment, sex if they wanted it (and when they could get it) relationship. The distance ad schedule coordinate were proving more difficult than they thought. There were too many things vying for his attention.

The BAU still had six serial killers on the loose plus a never ending docket of cases. From what she heard the agent from Fugitive Recovery was pulling his weight. But he wasn't Morgan, or her, or hell even Alex Blake, and the team (mainly Garcia) wouldn't let him forget it.

Jack's teenage hormones were in full stride. He hadn't quite recovered from the trauma of seeing his dad being arrested by SWAT. Hotch was gone even more than usual and when he was home he was still tense. Add in that his Grandpa was heading downhill at an alarming rate and the poor boy was doing everything he could to keep his family's attention.

As always, the Bureau was asking too much of him, having him do more than his own job. Even though Cruz was an effect Section Chief and stayed out of their way, Hotch still filled in when he was gone. And the Director had the audacity to call him into work on a weekend about something that wasn't BAU case related.

So there she was packing her bag to head back to London alone. She was sad that she was leaving, pissed that Hotch's work got in the way of their plans, hurt that the changes caused Jack to get mad at her , frustrated that they got no alone time because Jack was acting out. Her sour mood rivaled Jacks. She was spoiling for a fight, waiting for Hotch to do one little annoying thing so she could vent at him.

At first he was giving her space, letting her pack in peace. Then he went and did something that would have been considered sweet at anything other time. He collected her items that inevitably got scattered around the apartment. At that she lost it.

"I already got the hint that you don't want me here. I don't need you to pack for me too." She ripped her sweater out of his hands violently shoved it into her carry on. She kept throwing things in her bag without looking at him. "I am a grown woman. Grown, but apparently naïve for thinking that this weekend was important to you. Just leave me alone so I can leave. And don't bother trying to take me to the airport. I'll call a taxi. I'm sure you don't want to spend any more time with me than you absolutely have to."

Hotch took it like a champ. He knew he screwed up. And in a big way. He let her yell at him all she wanted. She needed to get all her frustration out so they could talk. His eyes tracked her movements around the room as he leaned against the dresser.

"God I was stupid to think this would work," she huffed as she grabbed her bag and made for the bedroom door. Hotch was quickly off the dresser and in front of her. "Just let me leave, you've humiliated me enough."

"No," He said firmly as Emily raised an eyebrow at him. "No. I said I was going to fight for you, that I wasn't letting you walk away again." He gently held in her place until she quit trying to push past him "We need to talk about this." The firmness of his tone left no room for discussion.

"Fine," she huffed after staring him down and plopped on the bed.

"I wasn't trying to get you to leave; I only wanted to be helpful." He was trying to project gentle calmness as he spoke from his spot at the dresser but he was buzzing with nervousness that he ruined things between them.

"It would have been helpful to have you around this weekend." Emily was staring at the floor with her jaw locked tight and her arms crossed. She had every defense up.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry that I ruined our plans."

"Don't you 'sweetheart' me Aaron," her eyes shot up to meet his as she barely held back a growl. "You begged me to come, made promises, and then dropped them at the first work call. I know the job, you could have said no." He not only changed plans with her but with Jack as well. And Jack took it out on her.

"I know," Hotch hung his head. "You have every right to me mad at me. This weekend was awful for you. I'm still glad you came."

He thought there was still some good in the weekend. He got to see her smiling face, they spent one night cuddled together – it was the first solid night's sleep he had in months – and before he ruined everyone's mood, her and Jack were getting along great, they even made breakfast together. It wasn't what they were expecting but life never turns out quite like he expects.

"I understand that I can't make it up and you may not trust that I'm in this Emily." Hotch paused staring into Emily's eyes. "But I am. I am so in this. I love you."

"That's nice. Words aren't enough." Emily felt a tug in her heart at his words. He meant them, she knew that. But she needed more.

"I cannot promise it will never happen again. But it got me thinking that something needs to change."

Emily steeled herself for the worst. Her leg was bouncing and she was picking at her fingers.

"Emily, I think I need to take a break from the team. That's what the call from the Director was about. They want me on a different assignment. We were working out the details."

"Why?"

"Jack needs me, all of me. These last four months have been hell for us. Dealing with our regular case load is bad enough but adding in the escapees as been too much. I was getting sucked in again. I lost my focus on what matters. And that hurt Jack and now you."

"I'm happy that you have that chance to make it better, but it couldn't wait?"

"When the Director calls, you answer. You know that. And they wanted to get started on finding a replacement for the team. He wanted me to start next week but I convinced him to wait until next month. I really am sorry I ruined your weekend. Please forgive me."

Emily's only response was a sniff and slight nod of the head as she turned back to her things. She was obviously still mad and he knew better to push any further. He gave her a peck on the forehead and let her reorganize her things that she had throw i haphazardly. He started out of the room then turned to watch her. He could see the frustration on her face and the tension in her shoulders still.

"What if next time we came to you?" He watched as Emily slowly turned to him, the words registering in her ears. "I have plenty of vacation time I can use before I witch roles, Jack clearly needs a break and I want to see your London."

Emily thought for a moment what her London was. She frequented the coffee shop around the corner pretty regularly. There was a yoga studio she managed to make it into a few times a week and a park where she liked to run. Outside the office most of the people she talked to were acquaintances; the barista at her corner coffee shop, the kid who brought her Indian take out, the women at the salon she went to. She had a few friendly neighbors as well. After their couple friends found out Emily broke up with Mark for someone else they stopped talking.

She realized after five visits in twelve months that while she had made friends in London nothing would compare to D.C. Years of training in small talk at her mother's side, countless hours studying behavior and psychology, the ability to be a chameleon drilled into her by the CIA. None of it helped a workaholic forty something make friends. And even though London Emily was about honesty and being herself, there are still things you don't tell people who haven't been there. So much of her present was colored by her past.

She didn't feel comfortable opening up about those things to her subordinates, Clyde only listened to a woman's problems if it was going to get him into their pants, and anyone outside of their job wouldn't understand. Even if she bonded over superficial things – Vonnegut, language, Indian food, and mutual hatred of pretentiousness – she was still hiding parts of herself.

And a big part of herself was in D.C.

"What if I don't want a London anymore?" she asked quietly.

"What?"

"It isn't _my_ London. D.C. is my home." Not considering this disaster of a weekend, it felt great to be in D.C. There were certain sights and sounds you could only find here that she missed. She missed the smell of cherry blossoms, crab cakes, and the proximity to the beach. All of her favorite people were in D.C. "If you come it would be to help me pack. I want to come home. I belong here." Emily smiled as smiling widely up at Hotch and threw her arms around him.

"Are you sure?" Of course he wanted her here. But more than that he wanted her where she could be happy.

"Yes. I don't want to say goodbye anymore." She buried her face in his chest, holding on to him as if he might disappear if she left again. Emily pulled back to look at him again. "Unless you think Jack will hate me for taking up more of your time."

"Emily, he adores you. He'll get over it. I think he's jealous that you love me and not him." he tried to get her to smile.

"Seriously though, if Jack isn't ok with us then I'm not ok with us."

"I know. He and I have some things to work on. I love that you think of him but he will be ok." He pulled her back to him placing a kiss on her head. "I am so sorry that he yelled at you like that. If it makes you feel better he's lashed out at Jessica the same way."

"I know he was just frustrated. And he knows that no one is taking the place of his mom. But the hatred in his voice…" Emily took a deep breath and Hotch gave her a squeeze, "it broke my heart."

"What if I told you he's in the kitchen making 'Emily' Cookies in an attempt to say he's sorry?"

"What are 'Emily' cookies?" There was s curious grin on her face.

"Chocolate with Reese's pieces and caramel!" Jack said excitedly as he came into the room. "And they are done!"

"Ooohh! All my favorites!"

"Emily, I am sorry I yelled at you. You were just trying to help and keep me safe. You didn't deserve to be told that. I do like you, a lot."

"I like you a lot too kiddo. You're forgiven," Emily ruffled his hair as Jack made a face. "Let's try to not do that again, ok? Where are those cookies?"

Things were looking up. Hotch would be home to help Jack deal with his emotions and Emily was one step close to being back in D.C. It would take hard work to put things back together. But that would come later. Hotch watched the woman he loved walk down the hallway with her arm around his son, their laughter echoing off the walls. In his line of work there isn't a more perfect day that this. And he was learning to enjoy the days as they came.

* * *

 **AN: This is it. All done for this story. There will be more in Moments in Time and some other upcoming stories.**


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